I read so many of these books and tried so so hard with my eldest. And it was awful. We are both autistic - though I didn’t know it then - and I could never follow any of the steps or the scripts or the advice because he was attacking me. I felt like such a failure and it took me a long time to let it all go.
The words around marketing hit true too. It’s one of the things I really struggle with, trying to run a non-profit that helps and supports women. Because there is no one size fits all, there are no ‘5 steps to X’ - it’s all generic and wrong but if you don’t subscribe to that then how do you make money 😂🤯
I’m still trying to figure that out but it was really comforting to see you writing that down like that.
Thank you so much, Zoe! I think what you do, in creating a space for all mothers to come as they are without judgement or pressure is so very valuable. That's where the money should be - in supporting parents to be the version of themselves they want to be and find a way through that works for them. You're so amazing!!
Yes! Zoe I feel you on this! The scripts are just ridiculous, I tried them too with my neurodivergent child and he just saw straight through them. I also loved that “just give them two options” my son knew there were unlimited options and just made up his own.
I also can’t stand the underlaying message of conformity and failure that comes with the gentle parenting realm. It’s always put onto the mother. Your child annoying you by screaming in a high pitch voice while breaking all your cups? That’s your childhood trigger.
So I’m also autistic - again, I didn’t know at the time - but the ways my son regulates are really disregulating for me, and the guilt and judgement that I couldn’t calmly sit there with him and talk him through it.
Love this! It’s necessary to fuck up and let your kids down sometimes as what you lack for them is what fills their own psyche with what they need, if that makes sense! Also ‘perfect parents’ are bad for kids as it’s too much to live up to! Do your best, good enough, love them, have boundaries etc, those are the rules. 💛
Hear, hear. I firmly believe that all they really need is to know they're loved. Everything else is irrelevant, really, they'll grow up to be who they are no matter what you do. They might remember you were imperfect but they'll always remember you loved them and that's what will matter.
It’s like everything in life…. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking there’s an external recipe or answer, when we were born with all the answers within ourselves and our own intuition ❤️
When I try to validate my toddler’s feelings mid-tantrum, she yells “DON’T TALK TO ME MOMMY!” I am so glad I’m not the only one who gets yelled when supposedly following the script! 😂
My 5yo got wise to it pretty quick. As soon as I would start with the "I can see you're feeling..." she would shout "DON'T say it! I know what you're going to say!" And that made me realise how inauthentic it is to be following a script instead of engaging in a real way with her.
Thank you for these words Allegra. What you say about our children not being a blank canvas/blob of clay to model resonates deeply, both of my children have made their strong personalities clear from day 1! I also get shouted at and told to “STOPPPPP” and “go away” the moment I try to validate my daughter’s feelings as per the scripts. I think we just have to do what is needed in the moment, keep showing up as ourselves and be that stable home to return to if we can xx
Absolutely! And yes, I was so amazed at what a strong personality my daughter had from pretty much the second she was born. It's incredible how much they convey before they can even hold their own head up!
I love the concept of freehand parenting, Allegra! And as someone who is just a bit ahead of you in the parenting journey, it's so refreshing to read this. I don't think I was brave enough when mine were younger. Brave in my parenting or in my ability to articulate what did and didn't work. Sending love to you and yours as you all do the complicated but often joyful work of growing and being together.x
Ahh thanks Lindsay! I don't think I'm anywhere near as brave in real life as I make it sound on paper. 🤦♀️ But I'm trying to release myself of all the guilt and stress of not following the "perfect" parenting model, because that's just exhausting and no good for anyone!
This entire post, and all the questioning that comes with it, runs through my head EVERY SINGLE DAY. You articulate it all so well. I question it all from all corners, considering the fallout from each. Nothing makes me feel I can ever reach a comfortable conclusion, which is just, life, isn’t it? The same is said for all other areas of our lives too, for eg: I’m vegetarian, and every day I question if I’m doing the right thing for my health, is it right for my family’s health too? And on, and on, and on. It is endlessly exhausting! I am exhausted.
Thank you for this Allegra- it really resonated with me. I also fell in love with gentle parenting before becoming a parent because the idea of my child feeling loved unconditionally, respected, safe in the world was massively appealing because I did not feel like that as a kid. And I grew into a young adult who struggled with terrible loneliness, self hatred and anxiety that led me to try and cope through addictions and self harm. And I NEVER want my son to experience what I did...BUT - you are so right. Everyone is a bit (or a lot) fucked up and so yes, maybe that's just part of being human. I think there is so much toxic perfectionism in the gentle parenting movement and insane pressure on mothers to not only heal ourselves, but ALL the previous generations before us. And there seems to be little to no space or consideration for the mother's experience or needs. Like, are we even allowed to enjoy parenting? Or should we constantly be hyper vigilant and fearful we're not doing the right thing and we're fucking up our kids in every moment...
Like sometimes I'll be doing a puzzle with my son and I keep policing myself when I make suggestions of where a piece could go because I should be letting him learn, make mistakes, etc etc and I'm sitting there thinking 'Jesus Christ, I'm not even letting myself enjoy doing a puzzle with my adorable son.'
I love that you've released yourself from so much of this pressure. Hoping to get there myself!!
You're so right! I keep reading about how I'm supposed to be a container for my children's feelings, how it's vital I heal myself for their sake, how I also have to be responsible for healing generational trauma... I mean, come on, that's quite a lot to ask of one person. Talk about pressure. And how come that pressure always lands on the mothers?? You're right, there's no scope for us to just enjoy parenting, never mind being human beings in our own right. And that's not good for anyone!
This reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my kids’ pre-school teachers. I asked what parenting books she recommended. She replied “The problem with all those books is that the children haven’t read them.”
Love this! I try very hard to perform gentle parenting because my oldest is very emotional and tends to break down in scream crying very easily, especially when an image in her head isn't executed perfectly in real life. Half the time, gentle parenting works. But the other half...😬. That feeling of failure and fear of causing permanent damage is so real, especially with Instragram constantly berating you about it (or it's just my special tortuous algorithm). I had a breakthrough this morning while journaling that I feel guilty for choosing to do something for myself over doing something with my kids because I am fearing that damage I may do to them, so your perspective in this post was timely and wonderful! Thank you for your vulnerability and your wisdom.
Exactly! It happens with craft projects, how we spend our nights together as a family, any special outing we go on. I try to talk her through it but it's hard.
It's so hard. I kind of get it, I'm a massive perfectionist too. I feel like I should have some words of wisdom for my daughter from my own experience, but I don't!
Never feel guilty for doing something for yourself! Doing this is also for your kids.. by nurturing your own wellbeing, you are filling up your cup which in turn means you can be stronger and better for your kids. Also, you are modelling self-care and teaching your kids that looking after your own wellbeing is important, which will serve them well in the future.. win win 👍😃
I've always been skeptical of gentle parenting because it implies coddling in the term but claims to be authoritative. I've read the principles, they seem fine. But calling it gentle is counterproductive. Also, the principles are pointless if your child starts to hit their parents and throw objects when upset. Glad you're bringing light to these issues and have found a way forward for your family. I disagree with the poem and don't think our parents F up unless they intentionally try to F someone up. We're all doing our best with what we have and that's life.
One of the biggest issues I have with all of this is the idea we're all f-ed up so easily. These kinds of models profit from us believing we're broken, that we need to pay them money to learn how to fix ourselves, and that if we don't pay to learn their techniques then our children will be broken too. We're not broken. We're not perfect, we have challenges, that's all part of life. Yes, some of us have experienced deep trauma that needs to be healed, but I'm not being "triggered" in a way that shows I'm emotionally scarred just because I don't enjoy a three-year-old screaming they hate me directly into my face! That's a perfectly reasonable thing to not enjoy!
Hey Allegra. Hearing this and with you totally. Every child will react to a situation differently from its sibling or another child, and a parent will do depending on the day, and the stressors involved. We’re not meant to be perfect. There has been a lot of parent bashing over recent decades and understanding that parents do what they can with the resources and knowledge (assuming it’s done with love) they have available is a breakthrough, and blessing because we can reach a place of forgiveness. There is no right way - parenting experts would no doubt disagree among themselves too.
Allegra, this is such an excellent piece. I’ve been on such a journey on the horrendous parenting rabbit hole that is social media and had never before considered that perfect parenting is an inherently unachievable thing. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time thinking it was possible!
Parenting is such a crazy job. You get no preparation, no training, you just have to wing it, and everyone constantly tells you you're doing it wrong and reminding you how incredibly important it is while giving you no support whatsoever! I imagine we'll finally get a handle on it when the kids turn 40! 😆
I just love every word of this.
I read so many of these books and tried so so hard with my eldest. And it was awful. We are both autistic - though I didn’t know it then - and I could never follow any of the steps or the scripts or the advice because he was attacking me. I felt like such a failure and it took me a long time to let it all go.
The words around marketing hit true too. It’s one of the things I really struggle with, trying to run a non-profit that helps and supports women. Because there is no one size fits all, there are no ‘5 steps to X’ - it’s all generic and wrong but if you don’t subscribe to that then how do you make money 😂🤯
I’m still trying to figure that out but it was really comforting to see you writing that down like that.
Thank you 🙏
Thank you so much, Zoe! I think what you do, in creating a space for all mothers to come as they are without judgement or pressure is so very valuable. That's where the money should be - in supporting parents to be the version of themselves they want to be and find a way through that works for them. You're so amazing!!
Yes! Zoe I feel you on this! The scripts are just ridiculous, I tried them too with my neurodivergent child and he just saw straight through them. I also loved that “just give them two options” my son knew there were unlimited options and just made up his own.
I also can’t stand the underlaying message of conformity and failure that comes with the gentle parenting realm. It’s always put onto the mother. Your child annoying you by screaming in a high pitch voice while breaking all your cups? That’s your childhood trigger.
Yes!
So I’m also autistic - again, I didn’t know at the time - but the ways my son regulates are really disregulating for me, and the guilt and judgement that I couldn’t calmly sit there with him and talk him through it.
Love this! It’s necessary to fuck up and let your kids down sometimes as what you lack for them is what fills their own psyche with what they need, if that makes sense! Also ‘perfect parents’ are bad for kids as it’s too much to live up to! Do your best, good enough, love them, have boundaries etc, those are the rules. 💛
Hear, hear. I firmly believe that all they really need is to know they're loved. Everything else is irrelevant, really, they'll grow up to be who they are no matter what you do. They might remember you were imperfect but they'll always remember you loved them and that's what will matter.
Absolutely, as long as they feel loved you are doing a brilliant job! 🫶
It’s like everything in life…. We’ve been brainwashed into thinking there’s an external recipe or answer, when we were born with all the answers within ourselves and our own intuition ❤️
When I try to validate my toddler’s feelings mid-tantrum, she yells “DON’T TALK TO ME MOMMY!” I am so glad I’m not the only one who gets yelled when supposedly following the script! 😂
My 5yo got wise to it pretty quick. As soon as I would start with the "I can see you're feeling..." she would shout "DON'T say it! I know what you're going to say!" And that made me realise how inauthentic it is to be following a script instead of engaging in a real way with her.
Thank you for these words Allegra. What you say about our children not being a blank canvas/blob of clay to model resonates deeply, both of my children have made their strong personalities clear from day 1! I also get shouted at and told to “STOPPPPP” and “go away” the moment I try to validate my daughter’s feelings as per the scripts. I think we just have to do what is needed in the moment, keep showing up as ourselves and be that stable home to return to if we can xx
Absolutely! And yes, I was so amazed at what a strong personality my daughter had from pretty much the second she was born. It's incredible how much they convey before they can even hold their own head up!
I love the concept of freehand parenting, Allegra! And as someone who is just a bit ahead of you in the parenting journey, it's so refreshing to read this. I don't think I was brave enough when mine were younger. Brave in my parenting or in my ability to articulate what did and didn't work. Sending love to you and yours as you all do the complicated but often joyful work of growing and being together.x
Ahh thanks Lindsay! I don't think I'm anywhere near as brave in real life as I make it sound on paper. 🤦♀️ But I'm trying to release myself of all the guilt and stress of not following the "perfect" parenting model, because that's just exhausting and no good for anyone!
This needs to be a book. Beside the gentle parenting books.
Omg I would love to write an anti-parenting book!
Put me down for a free order hahah!
I ment to say pre*** orders haha
Given that you inspired the idea, you probably deserve a free one! 😁
This entire post, and all the questioning that comes with it, runs through my head EVERY SINGLE DAY. You articulate it all so well. I question it all from all corners, considering the fallout from each. Nothing makes me feel I can ever reach a comfortable conclusion, which is just, life, isn’t it? The same is said for all other areas of our lives too, for eg: I’m vegetarian, and every day I question if I’m doing the right thing for my health, is it right for my family’s health too? And on, and on, and on. It is endlessly exhausting! I am exhausted.
Thank you for this Allegra- it really resonated with me. I also fell in love with gentle parenting before becoming a parent because the idea of my child feeling loved unconditionally, respected, safe in the world was massively appealing because I did not feel like that as a kid. And I grew into a young adult who struggled with terrible loneliness, self hatred and anxiety that led me to try and cope through addictions and self harm. And I NEVER want my son to experience what I did...BUT - you are so right. Everyone is a bit (or a lot) fucked up and so yes, maybe that's just part of being human. I think there is so much toxic perfectionism in the gentle parenting movement and insane pressure on mothers to not only heal ourselves, but ALL the previous generations before us. And there seems to be little to no space or consideration for the mother's experience or needs. Like, are we even allowed to enjoy parenting? Or should we constantly be hyper vigilant and fearful we're not doing the right thing and we're fucking up our kids in every moment...
Like sometimes I'll be doing a puzzle with my son and I keep policing myself when I make suggestions of where a piece could go because I should be letting him learn, make mistakes, etc etc and I'm sitting there thinking 'Jesus Christ, I'm not even letting myself enjoy doing a puzzle with my adorable son.'
I love that you've released yourself from so much of this pressure. Hoping to get there myself!!
You're so right! I keep reading about how I'm supposed to be a container for my children's feelings, how it's vital I heal myself for their sake, how I also have to be responsible for healing generational trauma... I mean, come on, that's quite a lot to ask of one person. Talk about pressure. And how come that pressure always lands on the mothers?? You're right, there's no scope for us to just enjoy parenting, never mind being human beings in our own right. And that's not good for anyone!
Been there too with trying on the scripts, and I could never make them sound like ‘me’ which should have told me something sooner!
I’ve come to accept fucking up, what a relief! Trying to get it right all the time is exhausting.
Authentic parenting, warts, wisdom and all, all the way 💚
🙌 🙌 🙌
I had just read what Zoe had said and her name was in my head, sorry!
No worries at all, thank you for the support!
This reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my kids’ pre-school teachers. I asked what parenting books she recommended. She replied “The problem with all those books is that the children haven’t read them.”
So true!!
Love this! I try very hard to perform gentle parenting because my oldest is very emotional and tends to break down in scream crying very easily, especially when an image in her head isn't executed perfectly in real life. Half the time, gentle parenting works. But the other half...😬. That feeling of failure and fear of causing permanent damage is so real, especially with Instragram constantly berating you about it (or it's just my special tortuous algorithm). I had a breakthrough this morning while journaling that I feel guilty for choosing to do something for myself over doing something with my kids because I am fearing that damage I may do to them, so your perspective in this post was timely and wonderful! Thank you for your vulnerability and your wisdom.
Oh gosh your oldest sounds just like mine. She has such clear images in her head and if they're not executed perfectly she has a meltdown.
Exactly! It happens with craft projects, how we spend our nights together as a family, any special outing we go on. I try to talk her through it but it's hard.
It's so hard. I kind of get it, I'm a massive perfectionist too. I feel like I should have some words of wisdom for my daughter from my own experience, but I don't!
Never feel guilty for doing something for yourself! Doing this is also for your kids.. by nurturing your own wellbeing, you are filling up your cup which in turn means you can be stronger and better for your kids. Also, you are modelling self-care and teaching your kids that looking after your own wellbeing is important, which will serve them well in the future.. win win 👍😃
Thank you for that! I try to remember when the guilt creeps in.
I've always been skeptical of gentle parenting because it implies coddling in the term but claims to be authoritative. I've read the principles, they seem fine. But calling it gentle is counterproductive. Also, the principles are pointless if your child starts to hit their parents and throw objects when upset. Glad you're bringing light to these issues and have found a way forward for your family. I disagree with the poem and don't think our parents F up unless they intentionally try to F someone up. We're all doing our best with what we have and that's life.
One of the biggest issues I have with all of this is the idea we're all f-ed up so easily. These kinds of models profit from us believing we're broken, that we need to pay them money to learn how to fix ourselves, and that if we don't pay to learn their techniques then our children will be broken too. We're not broken. We're not perfect, we have challenges, that's all part of life. Yes, some of us have experienced deep trauma that needs to be healed, but I'm not being "triggered" in a way that shows I'm emotionally scarred just because I don't enjoy a three-year-old screaming they hate me directly into my face! That's a perfectly reasonable thing to not enjoy!
🤣 Exactly!!!
Hey Allegra. Hearing this and with you totally. Every child will react to a situation differently from its sibling or another child, and a parent will do depending on the day, and the stressors involved. We’re not meant to be perfect. There has been a lot of parent bashing over recent decades and understanding that parents do what they can with the resources and knowledge (assuming it’s done with love) they have available is a breakthrough, and blessing because we can reach a place of forgiveness. There is no right way - parenting experts would no doubt disagree among themselves too.
Thank you for sharing. Brave, true and poignant ✨
Allegra, this is such an excellent piece. I’ve been on such a journey on the horrendous parenting rabbit hole that is social media and had never before considered that perfect parenting is an inherently unachievable thing. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time thinking it was possible!
Parenting is such a crazy job. You get no preparation, no training, you just have to wing it, and everyone constantly tells you you're doing it wrong and reminding you how incredibly important it is while giving you no support whatsoever! I imagine we'll finally get a handle on it when the kids turn 40! 😆