I have always struggled with female connections as well. I was bullied in middle school and throughout all my school years I had a rotating door of female friendships. They all gossiped and back stabbed. I've never had my heart broken by a boyfriend but I have repeatedly with female friends. I even had it happen in the past couple of years at work, causing huge drama during a layoff period. I've always hidden amongst guy friends instead, fearing the vitrol from women. I was so worried about my little girls starting school and being exposed to mean girls. It makes me not want to make mom friends with their school mates or set up playdates, forcing introversion onto my kids that I've developed (and learned from my mom). While I do consider myself a feminist, I only keep a couple of friends who are either 100% honest or down to earth and have never prescribed to that mean girls persona.
I'm so sorry you've had such horrible experiences. It's so incredibly painful, being hurt and betrayed by friends. I totally relate to the worries for my daughter, and I found making mum friends just as fraught with bitching and backstabbing that making my own friends was. I frequently beat myself up that my kids won't have enough friends because I don't have enough friends, but actually they're quite happy and they'll figure their own path out. I do feel a lot happier now that we're homeschooling, though, and we can choose friends that we all feel comfortable with rather than being forced into artifical groups by the brutal environment of the playground!
Thank you for your comforting words! My husband and I go back and forth on homeschooling but we both work full-time and have time-consuming hobbies that we are trying to share with our kids (him jiujitsu, me writing). My oldest just finished her first year of school with no problems but I'm watching like a hawk.
Yeah I think it's almost impossible if you work full time. I'm lucky that I run my own business and can work totally flexibly, but I'm still finding the juggle a struggle!
Wowza. So much goodness and heartache here. I can relate to so much, growing up in the 80s and 90s, thinking I had to be more like boys/men, and seeing sensitivity/femininity as a weakness. I've been told I'm an old soul, but that hasn't made it any easier! ... and the info about the origins of the word gossip - very interesting, thanks for sharing that. X
Wow, what a powerful, important and beautifully articulated piece of writing! 👏💖 It breaks my heart to hear of all the pain and heartache you've had to endure throughout your life.. and I can actually relate to quite a lot of it, unfortunately 😔 Some very thought provoking questions and I do believe there is a shifting occurring.. there is still much hope in my heart.. we must keep going! ❤️✨️
Oh thank you so much! I think, unfortunately, it's probably relatable for a lot of people, but I think you're right - it feels like change is happening.
Thank you for writing this important piece. I was glad to see it when you talked about it in notes.I was born in 1975 so remember those ladette years. Definitely resonate with feeling safer and more accepted by boys. I find circles difficult and I avoid them. I'm a one to one kind of person I think. In circles I find it too much to take in.
I know we're not alone in that experience! And it's so important to remember that connection looks different for different people. I find large groups totally overwhelming, but small groups are fine, and like you say, some people prefer one to one. There's no one size fits all for a group as beautifully diverse as humans!
Fascinating stuff Allegra, I love how you have woven together your own experiences with the history of women’s gatherings. I’m sorry you have felt pain rather than safety in the presence of women in numerous chapters, unfortunately I imagine that it is due to pain they are harbouring themselves. I love the questions around this new phase of gathering together and how we can do it better this time. I don’t know the answers but I do know that if we could it would be incredibly healing and powerful for the future of humanity…! xx
Yes! I really believe it would. Thank you for your kind words. I would love to interview you about your experiences of holding space for women for the project!
Your story is heart breaking and yet also very familiar in parts. But when you read all of the history is it any wonder we are having to unpick so much harm that’s been done over the years? But yet here we are… DOING IT… because the calling is so strong even though our bodies and nervous systems remember. I’m so glad you are bringing this beautiful project to life here, I just know it’s going to make an impact in so many ways. Thank you for having the courage to bring all sides of the story to the forefront. I can’t wait to read more. Xxx
This project looks amazing and I'd like to follow it. I've also had both amazing and disillusioning experiences in women's circles. The shadow side of the feminine is just as real and I found myself nodding along to your points about internalised patriarchy, capitalism etc. It's been my dawning realisation that when so many women have grown up unable to feel powerful as women, and they're not conscious of their shadow, they my try to feel powerful any way they can, including at the expense of other women. (I too experienced being thrown out of a women's group - or at least, the leader attempted it!)
Although I grew up in the same era as you and am also neurodivergent and bisexual, my experience was the opposite of yours in many ways - coming from a mostly female family, I grew up feeling very unsafe with boys, who always picked on me at school, was a fierce feminist from age 17, and persisted with female friendships even when they were fraught with gossiping and backstabbing, because I just couldn't see an alternative. It's only been since my early 40's that I have non-romantic friendships with men for the first time and feel safer with men who aren't my partner. I so often hear stories of women growing up feeling unsafe with other females and it makes me so sad. Thank you for your excellent writing and skillful covering of a whole historical narrative arc in this piece.
This is such a hard and important read. You are doing beautiful work. Thank you for sharing part of your soul and your journey. Onwards! ⭕️✨💫
Thank you so much, Claire! ❤️
I have always struggled with female connections as well. I was bullied in middle school and throughout all my school years I had a rotating door of female friendships. They all gossiped and back stabbed. I've never had my heart broken by a boyfriend but I have repeatedly with female friends. I even had it happen in the past couple of years at work, causing huge drama during a layoff period. I've always hidden amongst guy friends instead, fearing the vitrol from women. I was so worried about my little girls starting school and being exposed to mean girls. It makes me not want to make mom friends with their school mates or set up playdates, forcing introversion onto my kids that I've developed (and learned from my mom). While I do consider myself a feminist, I only keep a couple of friends who are either 100% honest or down to earth and have never prescribed to that mean girls persona.
I'm so sorry you've had such horrible experiences. It's so incredibly painful, being hurt and betrayed by friends. I totally relate to the worries for my daughter, and I found making mum friends just as fraught with bitching and backstabbing that making my own friends was. I frequently beat myself up that my kids won't have enough friends because I don't have enough friends, but actually they're quite happy and they'll figure their own path out. I do feel a lot happier now that we're homeschooling, though, and we can choose friends that we all feel comfortable with rather than being forced into artifical groups by the brutal environment of the playground!
Thank you for your comforting words! My husband and I go back and forth on homeschooling but we both work full-time and have time-consuming hobbies that we are trying to share with our kids (him jiujitsu, me writing). My oldest just finished her first year of school with no problems but I'm watching like a hawk.
Yeah I think it's almost impossible if you work full time. I'm lucky that I run my own business and can work totally flexibly, but I'm still finding the juggle a struggle!
Wowza. So much goodness and heartache here. I can relate to so much, growing up in the 80s and 90s, thinking I had to be more like boys/men, and seeing sensitivity/femininity as a weakness. I've been told I'm an old soul, but that hasn't made it any easier! ... and the info about the origins of the word gossip - very interesting, thanks for sharing that. X
Wow, what a powerful, important and beautifully articulated piece of writing! 👏💖 It breaks my heart to hear of all the pain and heartache you've had to endure throughout your life.. and I can actually relate to quite a lot of it, unfortunately 😔 Some very thought provoking questions and I do believe there is a shifting occurring.. there is still much hope in my heart.. we must keep going! ❤️✨️
Oh thank you so much! I think, unfortunately, it's probably relatable for a lot of people, but I think you're right - it feels like change is happening.
An incredible piece Allegra. Thought provoking regarding your experiences, women’s experiences and my own. Xx
Thank you so much, Donna!
Thank you for writing this important piece. I was glad to see it when you talked about it in notes.I was born in 1975 so remember those ladette years. Definitely resonate with feeling safer and more accepted by boys. I find circles difficult and I avoid them. I'm a one to one kind of person I think. In circles I find it too much to take in.
I know we're not alone in that experience! And it's so important to remember that connection looks different for different people. I find large groups totally overwhelming, but small groups are fine, and like you say, some people prefer one to one. There's no one size fits all for a group as beautifully diverse as humans!
Fascinating stuff Allegra, I love how you have woven together your own experiences with the history of women’s gatherings. I’m sorry you have felt pain rather than safety in the presence of women in numerous chapters, unfortunately I imagine that it is due to pain they are harbouring themselves. I love the questions around this new phase of gathering together and how we can do it better this time. I don’t know the answers but I do know that if we could it would be incredibly healing and powerful for the future of humanity…! xx
Yes! I really believe it would. Thank you for your kind words. I would love to interview you about your experiences of holding space for women for the project!
I would love that xx
Your story is heart breaking and yet also very familiar in parts. But when you read all of the history is it any wonder we are having to unpick so much harm that’s been done over the years? But yet here we are… DOING IT… because the calling is so strong even though our bodies and nervous systems remember. I’m so glad you are bringing this beautiful project to life here, I just know it’s going to make an impact in so many ways. Thank you for having the courage to bring all sides of the story to the forefront. I can’t wait to read more. Xxx
This project looks amazing and I'd like to follow it. I've also had both amazing and disillusioning experiences in women's circles. The shadow side of the feminine is just as real and I found myself nodding along to your points about internalised patriarchy, capitalism etc. It's been my dawning realisation that when so many women have grown up unable to feel powerful as women, and they're not conscious of their shadow, they my try to feel powerful any way they can, including at the expense of other women. (I too experienced being thrown out of a women's group - or at least, the leader attempted it!)
Although I grew up in the same era as you and am also neurodivergent and bisexual, my experience was the opposite of yours in many ways - coming from a mostly female family, I grew up feeling very unsafe with boys, who always picked on me at school, was a fierce feminist from age 17, and persisted with female friendships even when they were fraught with gossiping and backstabbing, because I just couldn't see an alternative. It's only been since my early 40's that I have non-romantic friendships with men for the first time and feel safer with men who aren't my partner. I so often hear stories of women growing up feeling unsafe with other females and it makes me so sad. Thank you for your excellent writing and skillful covering of a whole historical narrative arc in this piece.
Women have gathered for thousands of years!! 🙌🌸