I always thought of myself as a feminist, but, for a long time, I wasn’t really comfortable in female spaces. I realise now how much I’d internalised patriarchal messaging, and patriarchal ideas about what being a woman meant. It was only after the patriarchy kicked my arse a few times, and female communities put me back on my feet, that I understood how misled I had been and how much power there is in women gathering together.
When I saw the invitation from
, , , ,, and others to create a daisy chain flower crown with posts about femininity and sisterhood for International Women’s Day, I was so inspired by the sentiment, and I knew that I wanted to share with you all the story of my recovery from internalised patriarchy and (re)claiming of my sense of womanhood.But first, I should mention something…
Things are looking a little different around here.
I Am Happy is now The Gathering.
After almost a year writing on this platform, I’ve come to understand that what I really want to do is bring people together. I firmly believe that the increasing polarisation and disconnection in our society is damaging us and our planet. I want us to come together to heal. In particular, I want to bring together the people who, like me, have struggled to feel like they belong. I want to create a space for the misfits, the outsiders, the rebels and the daring thinkers to feel heard and valued. A place where they can come to understand and appreciate their unique self, and where they can find their voice to share their message with the world. By making space for different voices, we build meaningful communities. And by understanding and valuing ourselves, we are better able to understand and value others.
There’s a place for you in The Gathering - want to join us?
Not that kind of girl
It makes me a little nauseous, now, to remember how proud I used to be when men told me that I wasn’t like other girls. But back then, I thought that was a good thing. In the late 90s and 2000s it was a common trope in movies that the female lead would be “not like other girls”, and the male lead would be thrilled to discover this and then fall head over heels in love with her.
It was never made clear, explicitly, what other girls were like and in what ways we should be different, but the overall message seemed to be that it was best not to be too feminine (or too masculine), not to want love (or be too independent), and not to be too helpless (or too smart). Essentially, the message was that being a woman was, inherently, a bad thing, but, if we worked hard enough we might be able to overcome it. (If we went too far, though, we’d become like a man, and that would be a total turn-off.)
We all like to think we’re immune to this societal brainwashing and that we can see straight through it, but the truth is that none of us can help but absorb a certain amount of these ideas. We’re steeped in them, like tea bags in hot water. Of course some will seep in through the pores. So, as worldly-wise and radical as I thought I was in those days, looking back I can see just how much patriarchy was underneath my skin.
Most of my friends, in my teens and 20s, were men. I felt more comfortable with men. I’d been badly bullied at my all-girls’ school, and men were much nicer to me. I’d never been much of a girly girl, anyway, and I was comfortable in the pub with the boys, watching rugby, swearing and smoking, being one of the lads. I thought I was safe. I thought I was accepted.
The unravelling
Yes, ok, I was naive. It took me a ridiculously long time to realise that most of my male friends just wanted to sleep with me. One by one, they made drunken, clumsy passes at me until I felt dirty and used. After a bad break-up, I was talking to one of these supposed friends about the pain I was going through, and he told me he was happy to help me “get back at” my ex. I walked out and never spoke to him again. I think I stopped speaking to several of that group of friends after that, I was so furious with men in general.
It was downhill from there, really. I had a series of toxic and emotionally abusive relationships, I was sexually harassed by a couple of bosses, and a man started stalking me. I had some frightening and distressing encounters that I won’t go into here. I had to leave my career when my first child was born. And by that point, I felt like the patriarchal system had completely torn me apart.
It was women’s gatherings that put me back together.
Coming together
Once I recognised how much the system had broken me, it finally became clear to me just how broken the system is. I had believed that I was a feminist, but I could now see how much I’d sold out my sisters in trying so hard to please and appeal to the boys. I had wanted to set myself apart from other women, and so I had largely turned my back on them. I set out to rectify this.
I immersed myself in female literature and art, and spent more time at women-led events. I’ve now become so used to women’s networking events that, when I go to a mixed gender event, I’m always slightly startled and disconcerted to see a man there. (Sorry, guys, it’s my problem, not yours.)
I’d also recently become a mother, and this transition wasn’t an easy one for me. It involved an entire identity shift, and a complete reframing of who I was. As I was trying to navigate this new life, I discovered a Mothers’ Circle. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but what I encountered was transformative. I’d never been in a space before where people were sharing, so openly and honestly, their feelings and challenges. I’d never experienced such warm and non-judgemental support, never felt so held or so able to hold others.
I’m a regular attendee of women’s circles now. I seek out female spaces wherever I can find them. I am staggered by the love, strength of support, and cheerleading that women can offer one another. I am in awe of how generous my sisters are with their time, energy and resources, how willing to help each other, and how much advice and guidance we can offer one another. Even when, or perhaps especially when, official systems and structures fail us.
But I’m aware of how many of us are still taught to see each other as the enemy. The patriarchy wants us kept apart - if we stood together in our individual and collective power, where would it be then? It seeks to indoctrinate us with the idea that other women are competition, or that women in general are inferior. It looks to divide us by race, class, or any categories it can place us in. It works to pit us against our trans sisters (and brothers) and our non-binary siblings. Wherever it can sow division, it will, because that’s the best way to conquer us all.
I also know just how many of us still feel like outsiders. Like we don’t belong anywhere. As a third generation immigrant, whose family had to change their name to hide their identity, and whose ancestry has been almost entirely erased; as a neurodivergent person and a person with a disability; as a person who has lived in 25 homes in 40 years and has never felt able to put down roots; as someone who struggled, for a long time, to find real, meaningful friendships, I know, viscerally, the pain of not belonging. When I first saw
share on Notes an invitation to new Substackers, “you can sit with us”, it brought tears to my eyes, because I know how meaningful and transformative that can be for someone. I know how much it has meant to me at key points in my life. Claire echoed that invitation in the post about this daisy chain project, and it warms my heart.This is what I want to achieve with The Gathering. To build a space where the outsiders have a place to come in, to feel welcome, to be on the inside. Where they know that who they are is seen and valued. Where they can explore their unique power and stand with confidence in who they are. Where they can find their voice, and feel supported to use it.
I believe that connection can heal us as individuals, can heal our society, and can heal our planet. And I believe that we can understand and value others more when we can understand and value ourselves. When we see our own worth, we don’t need to be afraid of other people’s, we don’t need to see anyone else as competition.
When we trust in our individual and collective power, we can also work together to dismantle the structures and mechanisms that try to keep us apart. We can lift the stones that hold some of us down, and we can all rise up together. The patriarchal, colonial systems might seem all-powerful at times, but there are more of us than there are of them. If we gather together.
“I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.”
Audre Lorde
Ohh how I can relate to soooo much of this - not like other girls, when boys said this to me I was at once flattered and felt a little sick, therein lay patriarchy alongside a deeper knowing that was yet to be activated.
I love that you’ve called this the gathering, women’s circles have hands down been the best part of womanhood and motherhood for me. X
Beautifully expressed. I feel embraced by The Gathering.