I too am a serial runner. On my 31st house now (after 57 years). A bit of unsolicited advice you are free to ignore. Children spend so much less time in school actually learning than we think (ex teacher here) in primary school they worked out it was around 45 mins of quality teaching each child got per DAY. This was due to breaks, moving around the school, assemblies, teaching that wasn’t at the child’s level as you have 30 kids to cater for, waiting for the teacher to help or explain and on and on. 45 mins only. I’m not sure if a study was ever done at secondary level but it’s a little more but not much. I suppose what I’m trying to say is you don’t need to fill every minute of a typical ‘school’ day with formal learning. Please ignore if this isn’t wanted.
Thank you. I have heard that 45 minute figure before. I think I need to let go of a lot of what I think "learning" looks like. I'm a recovering overachiever who was pushed a lot by teachers to think I had to work myself to the bone, and I have to unlearn a lot of that. I don't want my daughter to feel that same pressure, and she's so like me! Recognising that she doesn't need to be formally learning all the time and that she doesn't always need to be "achieving" by government mandated standards would probably be good for both of us in many ways!
I home educated both of mine (eldest from Year 4, youngest never went to school) and we unschooled, so no formal education at all. Do you know about deschooling? I can’t remember the exact details and can’t google on this train, but there’s some advice about doing nothing at all for a while after taking them out of school. I don’t know your daughter so that might not work for her, but relaxing the idea of what education looks like could give you a bit of time and space.
Also - and I’m sorry, I know you didn’t ask, but this book changed my parenting life - have you read Calm Parents, Happy Kids? Relevant because I read it after storming off from my kids in St James Park in London, thinking “That’s it. I’m done.” And then realising I couldn’t run away 🥴
You are speaking to my soul and heart today with your words. The running feeling has been deeply present in me lately, for all sorts of reasons, but a big one is choosing to do things different, be home with our child, and not do what may be deemed easier because in reality we are trying to build the life we want for our son. It’s hard,it’s so hard, and it’s not us, it’s not you. It’s the system and how we are utterly set up to fail and to go back into ways they are telling us life should be. I have more thoughts but a toddler appeared and is demanding to help me type.
That last sentence just sums up motherhood, doesn't it?! It's so hard to go against the system, but even harder to let the system dictate your life when you know it's not aligned with your heart and soul. We are being set up to fail, yet we keep showing up and giving our best anyway. We're pretty awesome, really. 😁
I appreciate long-form writing for exactly this reason Allegra. There's no snappy, quick-fix answer to such things. The thought processes twist and turn, there's good and bad, light and shade in it all. I love that you are allowing yourself space to work it all through.
The sense that you wanted to find an 'answer' resonated with me. And if the answer's not moving, then what is it? I have that urge, to solve and fix things by 'doing' something, tho I try more now to quell it.
My 11-year old daughter was diagnosed ASD 3 years ago. At the time she was really struggling with school, and I wasn't sure it was an ok place for her. Now, we are preparing for her to start at the mainstream secondary in Sept. She's changed SO much in that time. I share this just to say, wherever you are now is not permanent. Kids have a habit of shifting their ways such that you look back and marvel at the place you were. Sometimes now I just think, what will work for the next 6 weeks?, and I do that..and in that way we keep muddling through.
Yes, I think those of us who are very action focused always feel we need to be "doing" something. So if a challenge comes along, we feel we need to change something in response. Sometimes that can be useful - we get stuff done, we address problems instead of letting them fester - but sometimes we need to allow ourselves to sit with it for a while and learn the deeper lesson.
Thank you, I think it's so important to remember that nothing is permanent, all situations change. We don't have to make decisions for forever, we just have to do what's right in this moment, and allow ourselves to adapt when the situation changes.
I am sorry that you are going through all of this, and I also understand the impulse to cut and run. I think any of us who grew up with instability of any kind have that impulse inside of us. Sending strength as you navigate this difficult time. <3
I feel for you and your family. I am familiar with the 3am panic about parenting choices. As a homeschooling parent of 5 kids, for alll of their growing up years, I had my share of middle-of-the-night agonies. We learned out of school for nearly 20 years, and had many struggles and doubts in addition to good times and triumphs. There are times I still feel that faint ghost of "would this thing have been easier/better for them had they gone to school?" Invariably the answer is no. I have kids who turned out to be neurodiverse. Turns out I am too, as was my husband. They've had struggles. But they know who they are, they are very close to each other, they can think critically, their preparation for the rest of life is no worse, and in many ways better, than their peers. Giving them what they needed was a challenge; I am not here to promote an idea that home learning is a magical picnic every day. Sometimes it's a slog. But I can truly say I do not regret doing it. So far, my kids agree. I believe we avoided a lot of suffering, judging by my own experience with traditional school.
There are many ways to go about it. I hope you can find a way to at least give it a shot. I am not minimizing how hard it is to make it work; maybe you can't. It is definitely worth the trying, though. The very best of luck to you and your family, regardless of what way you find forward.
Thank you for the encouragement! I really do want to make it work - I'm not a fan of the school system and not keen to put my children in the hands of the establishment. Like you, as a late diagnosed neurodivergent person, I had a horrible time in school and it really deeply affected me. I don't want that for my daughter. It's not easy, but then what path in life is, really? We can only do our best and see what turns out to work for us!
parenting is hard, especially now. Life is hard, especially in a society that doesn't support us, humans, the people who it's for, supposedly, as you say.
Thank you for doing what you're doing! 🧚🏽 🙏 🩷
I remember, when my kids were much younger, I needed to call on my children's guardian angels sometimes. It did help.
This really really landed for me Allegra!! My youngest has taught me that I have way more staying power than I ever thought I had previously. I am stubborn and determined yes… but I also really often would retreat and run away if things got too uncomfortable. There have been days and nights with Vesper where I have wanted to literally pull of my own skin it’s felt so uncomfortable to not be able to run away… but of course as a Mama you just… can’t. But the gift of that has been showing me just what I’m capable of. It’s had such a ripple through so many areas of my creative work… particularly my work in Circle which does take me to my edge in many ways. In years gone by I have ‘run’ and stopped doing things because they felt too crunchy… whereas now I can really see that often the things that we are deeply called to are the things that feel the most stretchy of all. Anyway… I could talk on this for hours, but I truly resonate and really appreciate your honesty in this post. Xxxx
Thank you lovely! That's a really interesting point, that the things we are most called to are the ones that most stretch us. I'm definitely feeling that way about home schooling right now, and it's forcing me to think so much about other areas of my life and work too. Maybe we're given things we can't run away from so that we'll sit and learn those lessons!
I relate, and I don't even have kids. You are right: It's not you. It's the Unhealthy Default Reality we are all living in. If you'd like a free copy of my audiobook, The Healthy Deviant, let me know. I think it's going to resonate with you. Also happy to send a PDF (the book has illustrations).
Reading this I can feel you working through the difficulties, finding and discarding suggestions, coming to realisations… and I think that deep inside you know you will make decisions that are best for you all. Have faith and trust in yourself. Life isn’t easy - particularly when you add in disability and society’s judgement of difference - but you are building a life for you all. Keep going and trust xxx
STUNNING post! This line is what I think so many parents feel in the hard, dark moments of parenting.
"I do love the little fuckers, more than my own life, and I couldn’t bear to be separated from them. Plus the thought of doing anything that would cause them so much distress makes me feel physically sick. Even if sometimes I do believe they’d be better off without me."
Yes, it's OK not to have all the answers.. its OK to take time to figure it out 😊 I'm so pleased to hear that you have come to the decision to not run away (as tempting as it is).. you should be SO proud of this... that right there just in itself is a HUGE first step ❤️ Just let things be and quietly observe.. you will get there. Sending hugs and well wishes to your mum 🤗
Sending much love to you. Sounds as though you are going through a really tough time and as a serial runner I can relate so much to what you have written. Hoping that things get a little easier for you soon.
Sorry to hear about your mum. We had a similar experience with childcare and lost our sitter and my mum recently had a health spiral.
I manage my work while: Davy watches TV, plays Number Blocks on his iPad, listens to audiobooks, or while he plays outside (we’e started this recently and it had been a game changer.) Some things I cannot do with him underfoot and I do on the weekend while he has time with Nathan.
What Tamsin says is really key. So much of the school day is completely wasted on lining up walking around and waiting for other kids to finish their work. Sometimes our kids can absorb things quickly and don’t need the repetition traditional school provides. Other times they need more 1:1 attention. Home ed is flexible to all that.
Try and take the pressure off and lean into the bits that are fun to help with the transition.
Also, sometimes with Davy he will say “no” if I ask or tell him to do something. If I play the music lesson instead of asking or sit at the table with handwriting sheets he will join me. Every kid is different, but we neurodivergent folk tend to be strong willed so finding an ease and invitation approach is sometimes helpful.
Last thing, but a meltdown is something out of our control and nothing for anyone to be ashamed of (versus the neurotypical framing of a tantrum for not getting your way.) It stems from overstimulation, struggling with transitions, needing more time to process, etc.
Hope this is helpful. Take it all with a grain of salt and go with your gut. I found for myself I needed to reframe my own neurodivergence as a positive first to be able to really support Davy. You are brilliant and talented and strong! Don’t sell yourself short. You have everything you need to make the right choices for your family whatever they are.
Thank you, this is so helpful! I definitely think I need to take a lot of pressure off. The meltdowns are what I find the hardest. C massively struggles with perfectionism (as do I) and the moment she gets anything "wrong" or needs help she gets drastically angry. But making mistakes and not knowing stuff is a big part of learning. So balancing that is tricky!
I relate to this a lot. I think perfectionism / rejection sensitivity is a baked in neurodivergent trait. I did an artist talk with Katherine Duclos where she talked about modeling mistakes and imperfection. It also dawns on me I have an Instagram friend who is doing consulting now for neurodivergent parents - she has a Doctorate degree in education and two autistic kiddos. She may have some great ideas about feedback and her prices were really reasonable last I checked. Let me find her link.
I too am a serial runner. On my 31st house now (after 57 years). A bit of unsolicited advice you are free to ignore. Children spend so much less time in school actually learning than we think (ex teacher here) in primary school they worked out it was around 45 mins of quality teaching each child got per DAY. This was due to breaks, moving around the school, assemblies, teaching that wasn’t at the child’s level as you have 30 kids to cater for, waiting for the teacher to help or explain and on and on. 45 mins only. I’m not sure if a study was ever done at secondary level but it’s a little more but not much. I suppose what I’m trying to say is you don’t need to fill every minute of a typical ‘school’ day with formal learning. Please ignore if this isn’t wanted.
Thank you. I have heard that 45 minute figure before. I think I need to let go of a lot of what I think "learning" looks like. I'm a recovering overachiever who was pushed a lot by teachers to think I had to work myself to the bone, and I have to unlearn a lot of that. I don't want my daughter to feel that same pressure, and she's so like me! Recognising that she doesn't need to be formally learning all the time and that she doesn't always need to be "achieving" by government mandated standards would probably be good for both of us in many ways!
I home educated both of mine (eldest from Year 4, youngest never went to school) and we unschooled, so no formal education at all. Do you know about deschooling? I can’t remember the exact details and can’t google on this train, but there’s some advice about doing nothing at all for a while after taking them out of school. I don’t know your daughter so that might not work for her, but relaxing the idea of what education looks like could give you a bit of time and space.
Also - and I’m sorry, I know you didn’t ask, but this book changed my parenting life - have you read Calm Parents, Happy Kids? Relevant because I read it after storming off from my kids in St James Park in London, thinking “That’s it. I’m done.” And then realising I couldn’t run away 🥴
You are speaking to my soul and heart today with your words. The running feeling has been deeply present in me lately, for all sorts of reasons, but a big one is choosing to do things different, be home with our child, and not do what may be deemed easier because in reality we are trying to build the life we want for our son. It’s hard,it’s so hard, and it’s not us, it’s not you. It’s the system and how we are utterly set up to fail and to go back into ways they are telling us life should be. I have more thoughts but a toddler appeared and is demanding to help me type.
That last sentence just sums up motherhood, doesn't it?! It's so hard to go against the system, but even harder to let the system dictate your life when you know it's not aligned with your heart and soul. We are being set up to fail, yet we keep showing up and giving our best anyway. We're pretty awesome, really. 😁
We are pretty awesome! Yes that sentence sums up motherhood. We are being set up to fail, it is extremely frustrating.
I appreciate long-form writing for exactly this reason Allegra. There's no snappy, quick-fix answer to such things. The thought processes twist and turn, there's good and bad, light and shade in it all. I love that you are allowing yourself space to work it all through.
The sense that you wanted to find an 'answer' resonated with me. And if the answer's not moving, then what is it? I have that urge, to solve and fix things by 'doing' something, tho I try more now to quell it.
My 11-year old daughter was diagnosed ASD 3 years ago. At the time she was really struggling with school, and I wasn't sure it was an ok place for her. Now, we are preparing for her to start at the mainstream secondary in Sept. She's changed SO much in that time. I share this just to say, wherever you are now is not permanent. Kids have a habit of shifting their ways such that you look back and marvel at the place you were. Sometimes now I just think, what will work for the next 6 weeks?, and I do that..and in that way we keep muddling through.
Wishing you all the best x
Yes, I think those of us who are very action focused always feel we need to be "doing" something. So if a challenge comes along, we feel we need to change something in response. Sometimes that can be useful - we get stuff done, we address problems instead of letting them fester - but sometimes we need to allow ourselves to sit with it for a while and learn the deeper lesson.
Thank you, I think it's so important to remember that nothing is permanent, all situations change. We don't have to make decisions for forever, we just have to do what's right in this moment, and allow ourselves to adapt when the situation changes.
I am sorry that you are going through all of this, and I also understand the impulse to cut and run. I think any of us who grew up with instability of any kind have that impulse inside of us. Sending strength as you navigate this difficult time. <3
Thank you so much!
I feel for you and your family. I am familiar with the 3am panic about parenting choices. As a homeschooling parent of 5 kids, for alll of their growing up years, I had my share of middle-of-the-night agonies. We learned out of school for nearly 20 years, and had many struggles and doubts in addition to good times and triumphs. There are times I still feel that faint ghost of "would this thing have been easier/better for them had they gone to school?" Invariably the answer is no. I have kids who turned out to be neurodiverse. Turns out I am too, as was my husband. They've had struggles. But they know who they are, they are very close to each other, they can think critically, their preparation for the rest of life is no worse, and in many ways better, than their peers. Giving them what they needed was a challenge; I am not here to promote an idea that home learning is a magical picnic every day. Sometimes it's a slog. But I can truly say I do not regret doing it. So far, my kids agree. I believe we avoided a lot of suffering, judging by my own experience with traditional school.
There are many ways to go about it. I hope you can find a way to at least give it a shot. I am not minimizing how hard it is to make it work; maybe you can't. It is definitely worth the trying, though. The very best of luck to you and your family, regardless of what way you find forward.
Thank you for the encouragement! I really do want to make it work - I'm not a fan of the school system and not keen to put my children in the hands of the establishment. Like you, as a late diagnosed neurodivergent person, I had a horrible time in school and it really deeply affected me. I don't want that for my daughter. It's not easy, but then what path in life is, really? We can only do our best and see what turns out to work for us!
parenting is hard, especially now. Life is hard, especially in a society that doesn't support us, humans, the people who it's for, supposedly, as you say.
Thank you for doing what you're doing! 🧚🏽 🙏 🩷
I remember, when my kids were much younger, I needed to call on my children's guardian angels sometimes. It did help.
And very best wishes for your mum. 💕
Thank you so much! ❤️
Hugs. X
I’m a “runner” too. It is so hard not to give in to that feeling. So, so hard. I appreciate what you wrote here Allegra 💞
This really really landed for me Allegra!! My youngest has taught me that I have way more staying power than I ever thought I had previously. I am stubborn and determined yes… but I also really often would retreat and run away if things got too uncomfortable. There have been days and nights with Vesper where I have wanted to literally pull of my own skin it’s felt so uncomfortable to not be able to run away… but of course as a Mama you just… can’t. But the gift of that has been showing me just what I’m capable of. It’s had such a ripple through so many areas of my creative work… particularly my work in Circle which does take me to my edge in many ways. In years gone by I have ‘run’ and stopped doing things because they felt too crunchy… whereas now I can really see that often the things that we are deeply called to are the things that feel the most stretchy of all. Anyway… I could talk on this for hours, but I truly resonate and really appreciate your honesty in this post. Xxxx
Thank you lovely! That's a really interesting point, that the things we are most called to are the ones that most stretch us. I'm definitely feeling that way about home schooling right now, and it's forcing me to think so much about other areas of my life and work too. Maybe we're given things we can't run away from so that we'll sit and learn those lessons!
I relate, and I don't even have kids. You are right: It's not you. It's the Unhealthy Default Reality we are all living in. If you'd like a free copy of my audiobook, The Healthy Deviant, let me know. I think it's going to resonate with you. Also happy to send a PDF (the book has illustrations).
I would love one please, thank you so much! I'm definitely better with the pdf, I tend to zone out with audiobooks!
Reading this I can feel you working through the difficulties, finding and discarding suggestions, coming to realisations… and I think that deep inside you know you will make decisions that are best for you all. Have faith and trust in yourself. Life isn’t easy - particularly when you add in disability and society’s judgement of difference - but you are building a life for you all. Keep going and trust xxx
Thank you! ❤️
STUNNING post! This line is what I think so many parents feel in the hard, dark moments of parenting.
"I do love the little fuckers, more than my own life, and I couldn’t bear to be separated from them. Plus the thought of doing anything that would cause them so much distress makes me feel physically sick. Even if sometimes I do believe they’d be better off without me."
Thank you! It's good to know I'm not alone in that.
Yes, it's OK not to have all the answers.. its OK to take time to figure it out 😊 I'm so pleased to hear that you have come to the decision to not run away (as tempting as it is).. you should be SO proud of this... that right there just in itself is a HUGE first step ❤️ Just let things be and quietly observe.. you will get there. Sending hugs and well wishes to your mum 🤗
Thank you so much.
Sending much love to you. Sounds as though you are going through a really tough time and as a serial runner I can relate so much to what you have written. Hoping that things get a little easier for you soon.
Thank you!
Sorry to hear about your mum. We had a similar experience with childcare and lost our sitter and my mum recently had a health spiral.
I manage my work while: Davy watches TV, plays Number Blocks on his iPad, listens to audiobooks, or while he plays outside (we’e started this recently and it had been a game changer.) Some things I cannot do with him underfoot and I do on the weekend while he has time with Nathan.
What Tamsin says is really key. So much of the school day is completely wasted on lining up walking around and waiting for other kids to finish their work. Sometimes our kids can absorb things quickly and don’t need the repetition traditional school provides. Other times they need more 1:1 attention. Home ed is flexible to all that.
Try and take the pressure off and lean into the bits that are fun to help with the transition.
Also, sometimes with Davy he will say “no” if I ask or tell him to do something. If I play the music lesson instead of asking or sit at the table with handwriting sheets he will join me. Every kid is different, but we neurodivergent folk tend to be strong willed so finding an ease and invitation approach is sometimes helpful.
Last thing, but a meltdown is something out of our control and nothing for anyone to be ashamed of (versus the neurotypical framing of a tantrum for not getting your way.) It stems from overstimulation, struggling with transitions, needing more time to process, etc.
Hope this is helpful. Take it all with a grain of salt and go with your gut. I found for myself I needed to reframe my own neurodivergence as a positive first to be able to really support Davy. You are brilliant and talented and strong! Don’t sell yourself short. You have everything you need to make the right choices for your family whatever they are.
Thank you, this is so helpful! I definitely think I need to take a lot of pressure off. The meltdowns are what I find the hardest. C massively struggles with perfectionism (as do I) and the moment she gets anything "wrong" or needs help she gets drastically angry. But making mistakes and not knowing stuff is a big part of learning. So balancing that is tricky!
I relate to this a lot. I think perfectionism / rejection sensitivity is a baked in neurodivergent trait. I did an artist talk with Katherine Duclos where she talked about modeling mistakes and imperfection. It also dawns on me I have an Instagram friend who is doing consulting now for neurodivergent parents - she has a Doctorate degree in education and two autistic kiddos. She may have some great ideas about feedback and her prices were really reasonable last I checked. Let me find her link.
If you reach out tell Daniella I sent you. 🥰 https://www.instagram.com/montessoriandsensory/
Oh, and I have a Substack! 😂