Oh, lovely...me too! Absolutely almost everything you have written - except that I am a generation older, and grew up in a world completely devoid of even the rudiments of language or understanding around neurodivergency.
So here I am, nearly 70, newly (self)-diagnosed ADHD, and a lifetime of chaos behind me...dealing with everything that has happened, with the help of a therapist, in the hope that I can be vaguely useful for a decade or two.
Oh and a son SO like me + and two adopted daughters, but that is a whole other can of worms, not for public reading 😕
Oh I so relate to the "lifetime of chaos". I often wonder what my life would've been like if I'd known what was happening in my brain and how to manage it. But you don't need to be "useful" - you are valuable and wonderful, just as you are. xx
Allegra, are you writing from inside my head? This is incredibly moving, incredibly honest, and incredibly relatable. I haven’t been able to write about motherhood and neurodivergence yet, it feels very raw. But it’s so comforting to read your words and know there are other mothers like me and we’ve all got each other. Thank you, and sending love ❤️
Thank you so much! I am so glad it was helpful. It's talked about so little, which makes most of us more afraid to be the one to speak about it, but I so want other people in the same situation to know that they are not alone and that this really is hard.
The theory is that autism and such things ( highly sensitive and intelligent people, that just do not fit into this insane world..) are the next step of evolution. They see things completely different, they have a totally different connection to creation and communicate in different ways. Just like those that are born with the ability to read code.. there is much literature.
Wow, I see so much of my own experience in this. Before I learned I am autistic, I have spent a lot of time hoping for a daughter who was just like me. Then I learned about myself and I saw how similar my son and I are. It is hard and exhausting. We but heads a lot. Thank you for writing this.
Had this marked to read since you wrote it and glad I took the time to read it this morning. I don't have any diagnosis but my husband and best friend ( who have both known me since my teenage years) often comment (in a caring way) that they think I have ADHD. It wasn't something I thought about before but sometimes I think they could be right, more so when I think back to primary school. My brain is always flitting from one thing to another, I can only complete work if I am very close to a deadline, I interrupt myself and others with thoughts that just appear in my brain, I drop and loose things all the time. I do think these things have worsened as I reach mid forties and peri-menopause and note with people I work with Learning Disabilities and ASD,ADHD they can become much more disregulated around this age. Our son has mild autistic traits, don't see any in our daughter. I love them both to pieces but at 15 and 18 I am wondering when parenting becomes easier! Thank you for allowing me these contemplations.
So honest, Allegra, thank you 🙏🏻 I think you've helped me understand better why I never had kids - never being able to push myself enough to be prepared for it, which perhaps preserved some of my mental health but has left me with some significant what-ifs...
The difficulty of learning your own neurodivergence while helping your daughter struck me as well - unfortunately, my experience is it's not a fast process; it's a lot of having to learn the same thing over and over again in different contexts... But maybe you could learn along with her - her experiences could inform yours, and vise versa? Wishing you the time and energy for that for you both 💛
The title caught my eye, because I was told exactly those words by my mother. The hope was fulfilled, and my daughter was born a day before my birthday. Like Janey Thompson, I am the generation of your parents, and neurodivergence wasn't even on anyone's radar. So the only 'diagnosis' I got was my mother's: "Too sensitive" and "misfit".
From your description of female expression of ADHD (hyperactive mind), that's me too. Now I know I'm not "neurotypical" ~ and it's taken me a life time to come to that realisation ~ but who is? My 'neurodivergence' has gifted me with an extraordinarily creative mind. I have three very creative amazing children, and despite all the struggles along the way, the thought of not having children never crossed my mind.
In ancestral generations people like me (us) might have been diagnosed with some entirely different label. I've come to the conclusion that labels can be both helpful and tricky. I'm a bit suspicious of using the contemporary 'diagnosis' options for myself, because ~ what's wrong with just being ourselves?
Such a powerful read. I'm AuDHD, burnt out & on the cusp of turning 30 - I often find myself worrying about what kind of mother I'd be, whether I have the capacity & how I'd manage my own wellbeing while supporting a whole other person who needs me constantly. I stand before these giant thoughts with a deep feeling that I have so much care and gentleness to give, but I wonder if it's enough. I worry for myself & I worry for the baby who isn't even here. Thank you for writing so honestly about your experience of motherhood, Allegra - it's comforting to read. I found myself crying at your list of 10 things you love about your daughter. Beautiful. x
Oh, lovely...me too! Absolutely almost everything you have written - except that I am a generation older, and grew up in a world completely devoid of even the rudiments of language or understanding around neurodivergency.
So here I am, nearly 70, newly (self)-diagnosed ADHD, and a lifetime of chaos behind me...dealing with everything that has happened, with the help of a therapist, in the hope that I can be vaguely useful for a decade or two.
Oh and a son SO like me + and two adopted daughters, but that is a whole other can of worms, not for public reading 😕
Happy Friday, lovely one xx
Oh I so relate to the "lifetime of chaos". I often wonder what my life would've been like if I'd known what was happening in my brain and how to manage it. But you don't need to be "useful" - you are valuable and wonderful, just as you are. xx
But I do, need to be useful that is!
My daily mantra begins with 'Firmly establish your intention to live your life for the healing of the world...'
And yeah, my life might have been very different, and grieving that loss, among others, is part of the work in therapy
🧡
Allegra, are you writing from inside my head? This is incredibly moving, incredibly honest, and incredibly relatable. I haven’t been able to write about motherhood and neurodivergence yet, it feels very raw. But it’s so comforting to read your words and know there are other mothers like me and we’ve all got each other. Thank you, and sending love ❤️
Thank you so much! I am so glad it was helpful. It's talked about so little, which makes most of us more afraid to be the one to speak about it, but I so want other people in the same situation to know that they are not alone and that this really is hard.
I'm a little older.. 70's. I was told the same thing.. are you aware of the indigo children?
I am not, tell me more!
The theory is that autism and such things ( highly sensitive and intelligent people, that just do not fit into this insane world..) are the next step of evolution. They see things completely different, they have a totally different connection to creation and communicate in different ways. Just like those that are born with the ability to read code.. there is much literature.
Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post!
🌸
Wow, I see so much of my own experience in this. Before I learned I am autistic, I have spent a lot of time hoping for a daughter who was just like me. Then I learned about myself and I saw how similar my son and I are. It is hard and exhausting. We but heads a lot. Thank you for writing this.
Had this marked to read since you wrote it and glad I took the time to read it this morning. I don't have any diagnosis but my husband and best friend ( who have both known me since my teenage years) often comment (in a caring way) that they think I have ADHD. It wasn't something I thought about before but sometimes I think they could be right, more so when I think back to primary school. My brain is always flitting from one thing to another, I can only complete work if I am very close to a deadline, I interrupt myself and others with thoughts that just appear in my brain, I drop and loose things all the time. I do think these things have worsened as I reach mid forties and peri-menopause and note with people I work with Learning Disabilities and ASD,ADHD they can become much more disregulated around this age. Our son has mild autistic traits, don't see any in our daughter. I love them both to pieces but at 15 and 18 I am wondering when parenting becomes easier! Thank you for allowing me these contemplations.
So much resonance here for me. I didn’t suspect I had inattentive ADHD until my daughter was diagnosed.
What an eye-opener.
It wasn’t easy, but we made it this far.
😀
P.S. Such a treat to muddle through college applications with double executive dysfunction!
So honest, Allegra, thank you 🙏🏻 I think you've helped me understand better why I never had kids - never being able to push myself enough to be prepared for it, which perhaps preserved some of my mental health but has left me with some significant what-ifs...
The difficulty of learning your own neurodivergence while helping your daughter struck me as well - unfortunately, my experience is it's not a fast process; it's a lot of having to learn the same thing over and over again in different contexts... But maybe you could learn along with her - her experiences could inform yours, and vise versa? Wishing you the time and energy for that for you both 💛
Thank you so much Allegra, for this post 🙏 💕
The title caught my eye, because I was told exactly those words by my mother. The hope was fulfilled, and my daughter was born a day before my birthday. Like Janey Thompson, I am the generation of your parents, and neurodivergence wasn't even on anyone's radar. So the only 'diagnosis' I got was my mother's: "Too sensitive" and "misfit".
From your description of female expression of ADHD (hyperactive mind), that's me too. Now I know I'm not "neurotypical" ~ and it's taken me a life time to come to that realisation ~ but who is? My 'neurodivergence' has gifted me with an extraordinarily creative mind. I have three very creative amazing children, and despite all the struggles along the way, the thought of not having children never crossed my mind.
In ancestral generations people like me (us) might have been diagnosed with some entirely different label. I've come to the conclusion that labels can be both helpful and tricky. I'm a bit suspicious of using the contemporary 'diagnosis' options for myself, because ~ what's wrong with just being ourselves?
Such a powerful read. I'm AuDHD, burnt out & on the cusp of turning 30 - I often find myself worrying about what kind of mother I'd be, whether I have the capacity & how I'd manage my own wellbeing while supporting a whole other person who needs me constantly. I stand before these giant thoughts with a deep feeling that I have so much care and gentleness to give, but I wonder if it's enough. I worry for myself & I worry for the baby who isn't even here. Thank you for writing so honestly about your experience of motherhood, Allegra - it's comforting to read. I found myself crying at your list of 10 things you love about your daughter. Beautiful. x