Bullshit it doesn't get easier. Mine are between 6 and 11 now and it is unequivocally easier than when they were all under 5. Maybe teenagers get tricky, I'm not there yet, but there are some golden years ahead for sure. Little kids take and take until you are an empty, broken shell. Sure, we all have our moments now, but I am so much more 'me' than I used to be. Keep going, keep caring, keep reflecting, keep loving.
This was close to the bone for me so I could only skim read, but I felt this. I’m on the other side now (most days) and it started with small actions tending my own self and reframing my own needs as reasonable. (Conflicting access needs are always tricky, but we’ve started to find creative solutions for me to prevent overstimulation and to get the reset time I need.) I also hate people telling me “it won’t get better” when I’m in crisis. If you’re in crisis it definitely CAN get better. Your needs are valid and reasonable. Even if they feel impossible to address right now. Start with something tiny and it really helps. If you haven’t read it yet this post from Louise is worthwhile. https://open.substack.com/pub/curiosityspot/p/moving-from-burnout-to-balance
Thank you, Allegra, for this brave post. To me, it feels like something we need more of as mothers, both online and offline. We need more people who are brave enough to show their vulnerability and talk about the pain, difficulty, and challenges of motherhood— aspects that are also part of the process. But, oh boy, we are so often ashamed and moulded by society not to talk about it!
Your writing and sharing resonated with me several times. I do get bored with my kids; I do not enjoy spending all my time with them; I hate constant tiredness; I hate their moodiness. In moments like that, I remind myself that nature did not intend for us to mother and nurture our offspring alone! We and our children should be surrounded by other members of the tribe—our aunties, sisters, fellow cavewomen—around us all the time. Our children should be the responsibility of the whole tribe; nature never envisioned that two people (and in many parts of the world, it is still one—the mother) would be looking after the child(ren) alone. It is too much to ask. So when I "go crazy" (and I do), I try to remember that. I am doing the best I can with the minimal resources given.
That's so true! This is such an unnatural environment, no wonder we're finding it so impossible - it actually is impossible. I wish we could find a way back to more of a community for our families.
Thank you so much for sharing, so few people talk about the hard bits I always felt (and still feel) so guilty for not loving motherhood. We’re given so many messages about how it ‘should’ be, it took me decades to realise it didn’t make me a bad person, although I still have plenty of moments of feeling like a bad mother.
Understanding my own neurodivergence (and theirs) now they’re grown up and only at home in the holidays has helped me find a little more compassion for myself, and us all different ways of relating to each other.
Living in multiply neurodivergent households is hard and so is parenting. Doing them together just adds new layers and intersections.
Thank you. It always seems like everyone else is loving motherhood - even when they say it's tough they usually say "but I love it / wouldn't change it" and I just think "well, there must be something wrong with me, then." Definitely understanding everyone's neurodivergence more would be helpful, but I'm still trying to figure out my own needs (and struggling to get them met), and with the kids being so young it's impossible to get any help to understand theirs!
Thank you. I have ADHD, and I think my daughter might too, although I also wonder if she might be on the autistic spectrum... It's difficult to know. She's only 5 so they won't even consider starting the diagnosis process for her, so we're just making our best guesses!
80% of people who have one have the other. There’s so much overlap and co-occurrence it can be hard to know (and they can mask different parts). It’s the figuring out the specifics of our own spikey profiles that’s often the most helpful, but that takes time and enthusiasm that so many of us do t have because it’s all going on existing.
This is so very relatable. You are not alone. In fact I bet there is a whole tribe of us that feel this way. My children are 4 and 2, so I feel too like I am in the middle of it and I am yearning for them to leave me alone! Feeling like this is normal. Thank you for your honesty.
I totally see you - please be assured you are not a bad mum. I’m an autistic mum of two autistic kids, my sister is adhd and I have an autistic nephew and an autistic/ADHD niece so you could say neurodiversity runs in our family! I had a good pregnancy with my first but terrible with my second and lots of issues with my mental health. Both me and my sister had significant periods when we could not connect with our babies and felt like we couldn’t own up to not loving them like a mum ‘should’ but actually it’s more common than you think.
Lots of big feelings in our family too and it hurts like hell when the kids tell you they hate you because that’s what I believe about myself too. However, as the boys are getting older (they’re 9 & 12 now), we’ve agreed the statement that we love each other but sometimes we don’t like each other very much. That enables us all to get angry and frustrated with each other, to overreact to a situation and burst into tears, and to cope with random chicken dances in the middle of the supermarket! We know that the big feelings are hard to cope with in the moment but it’s better to let them out than bottle them up. I try to give myself permission to walk away rather than trying to fix everything as my mental health isn’t great, but it’s hard to stay calm and connected in that moment. 3 and 5 is a tough time as the kids themselves have little emotional regulation. It does get better as they get older and can recognise their emotions even if they can’t control them yet. No stage is easy - you just think you have a handle on things then it changes again but if you can try to focus on building connections as a family it will see you through. Remember (as I tell myself frequently) - you are doing the best you can. I hold on to my mum saying she felt terrible for working long hours and not being around enough when we were little and the occasions when she lost it and yelled and cried at us but I don’t remember any of that - I remember a loving mum who provided great experiences and was always willing to chat and give us a hug when we needed it. Your kids will be the same - everyone has the ‘can’t cope’ moments (though most of us don’t like to admit it) and if there’s neurodiversity, there’s an extra level of coping that comes on top of the norm. If you’re really struggling, do reach out to someone for help - friends, family, professionals, whatever you feel comfortable with - just being able to release some of that emotion you’re carrying as a mum can really help. Good luck as you continue your motherhood journey and I know you’ll get through as a family.
Thank you so much! It's great to you're all able to communicate about your feelings, and that you've worked out language that works for you all. I think that really is the key!
Teenagers are easier. In my experience anyway. I personally think they just get better the older they get. My 14 year old is a lot less hard work than he was when he was 4! There were bit of toddler years and early primary that I liked but it was mainly very tiring, hard and often confusing. I think what saved me was I didn’t think it would be easy and was fully expecting it to be tricky - but don’t know why I knew that. I also think modern motherhood is harder because a. Too much knowledge about child development and psychology, too much awareness of your shortcomings and how you could be fucking it all up and b. Lack of ‘the village’ and the support that brings. I distrust anyone who says they’ve never regretted having children even once as I just don’t think it’s true. I think vast majority of people have these kind of thoughts and genuinely feel they’re failing as parents. Wish I could give you a hug! ❤️
Ahh thank you! I feel the virtual hug! And it's so true that we're so much more aware of our shortcomings now and the potential issues - when I was growing up in the 80s I'm not sure parents gave all that much thought to how they were affecting their children's emotional health, they just got on with doing it the way they thought best!
Oh gosh this was like a big sigh of relief... I relates to so so so much of it... it was like reading my own thoughts and I’m so grateful you shared.
I have been going round and round with this myself... and beating myself up for feeling like so much of what you write about... and of course these beings are magical and amazing and I AM grateful to be their mother... and I don’t regret them for a second... but I do wish... often... that I am working or creating or on my own... and i think we are in an impossible situation that’s so often a reflection of our environment and also the fact that we aren’t supposed to be with them alone for so much of the time. It’s not natural and it takes us to beyond our capacity... and that’s not because we are broken, or because we are bad mothers... it’s because the systems of support and modern life isn’t built for us to thrive in. Well that’s my experience anyway.
Mine are 1 and 4 and I feel like I’m in the trenches right now... I pray it gets better... I’m trusting it will.
Sending solidarity and so much compassion and grace to you. Xx
Thank you so much, and sending the same back to you. It's so true that life just isn't supposed to be like this and we're being put in impossible situations. Something has to change, but what that looks like, I just don't know.
Yes... it’s another thing to add to the mental load when considering how to change societal narratives as well as get through each day. Too big for one person. X
All the way through reading this I wanted to shout out that it DOES GET EASIER!! But I also related to it so much. I used to get so bored of those trips to the park (apart from the times I managed to meet up with an adult friend, although that was always frustrating because I don't think I ever finished a conversation for about 5 years) and was rubbish at playing with toys and crafts at home (I still believe that anyone who says they love that stuff is lying!). But honestly, my twins are 13 now and I feel fulfilled and love being a mum to them. Sure, it's not always EASY, but the difficulties can be dealt with so much easier because they're like little adults now and when we have issues we can discuss them.
To you and all the others who've commented saying they feel like terrible mothers, please know that the very fact you think that proves you're not, and secondly, I promise that it's not like this forever, and that the changes will come faster than you realise.
Thank you for sharing. I often wonder why there are things we're not "supposed to say" when all we're trying to do is communicate what we're feeling as honestly and vulnerably as we can. My kids are all adults now, and I still have days where I feel like the worst mother in the world. Sure, it's about things I do/don't do, but mainly I feel like I'm the worst because I feel/don't feel the way society says I'm supposed to in order to be a "good" mom. I have to keep reminding myself that feelings are not the enemy. They are a part of our very good and complicated design. While I don't think it's wise or fruitful to be ruled by my feelings, I am learning to pay closer attention to my feelings, because they're an indicator to what's actually going on with me. All the feelings, the "good" and not-so-good ones.
You're so right, we get pressured to try to ignore our real feelings and that's not good for everyone - we all need to be able to accept and understand our less positive feelings - like you say, they have important information for us.
So much of this resonates, and I think so many Mums feel the same way. I would honestly much rather spend a day at work than a day with my children! I can’t bear trying to play with them, I just don’t have the patience or imagination, which does make me feel terrible. I raise my voice and shout way too much. And I long for the day I can be on my own reading all day. I think motherhood can be especially hard for introvert & neurodivergent parents. It takes so much out of us on a daily basis. I do think having an imperfect Mum is part of learning that no one in life is perfect. And the most important thing is that they know they are loved, which I’m sure whatever your children say in the heat of the moment, they do know.
Thanks for writing this. It takes me back to the days when my kids were all much smaller, which I often long for (and no doubt idealize). It’s true that parenting feels hard in a different way when they are teens and tweens.
I think what has helped most is:
1) Recognizing that we aren’t supposed to be trying to do this much alone. Bringing in help where possible, and cutting ourselves some slack when it’s not.
2) Really understanding how neurodivergence shows up in each member of the family, and finding a broader neurodivergent community.
Thank you. We should start a bad mother's club, lol. The thing I hold onto is that, if I'm worried about not doing a good enough job, at least that means I care - that's got to be worth something, right?
It finally gets a wee bit easier when they reach adulthood. Sometimes. The ‘work’ never ends, but you do find yourself again. As teenagers they begin to pull away, it can be very painful, but necessary. Hang on in there.
Okay so I have an almost 17yo and an almost 7yo (and worked with primary school aged kids in a ‘previous life’). And honestly? It really depends on the children. Some are pretty easy for YEARS and then become teenagers and everything gets flipped upside down. Some are the complete opposite - so-called ‘problem’ children who turn into understanding, sensitive, kind-hearted teens and young adults. Some have tumultuous younger childhoods, are calm tweenagers, and then difficult teens. Some *seem* like the easiest-going children in the world and then you overhear what they’re saying about you while they’re gaming with friends (or you do the thing you’re never supposed to do and read their messages or diary) and it absolutely THROWS you because you thought everything was fine and it turns out they loathe you and the world around them. Some? Some are ‘difficult’ the entire time, or at least, *seem* ‘difficult’, because the world really isn’t built for them (some neurodivergent children fall into this category), but once you figure out some of the triggers behind it you can at least make parts of their lives a bit easier. And so on.
I will say though, for what it’s worth, speaking as an autistic woman and mother to an autistic kid (my youngest), that tantrums *all the time* might actually be indicative of something more going on than just typical kid stuff? And perhaps it might be something to consider whether there’s some additional neurodivergence in the equation in there somewhere. (Whether you or them or all of you.)
Bullshit it doesn't get easier. Mine are between 6 and 11 now and it is unequivocally easier than when they were all under 5. Maybe teenagers get tricky, I'm not there yet, but there are some golden years ahead for sure. Little kids take and take until you are an empty, broken shell. Sure, we all have our moments now, but I am so much more 'me' than I used to be. Keep going, keep caring, keep reflecting, keep loving.
Thank you!
SO refreshing. Thank you for sharing so honestly as this is exactly where I am at and it’s nice to not feel alone in it
This was close to the bone for me so I could only skim read, but I felt this. I’m on the other side now (most days) and it started with small actions tending my own self and reframing my own needs as reasonable. (Conflicting access needs are always tricky, but we’ve started to find creative solutions for me to prevent overstimulation and to get the reset time I need.) I also hate people telling me “it won’t get better” when I’m in crisis. If you’re in crisis it definitely CAN get better. Your needs are valid and reasonable. Even if they feel impossible to address right now. Start with something tiny and it really helps. If you haven’t read it yet this post from Louise is worthwhile. https://open.substack.com/pub/curiosityspot/p/moving-from-burnout-to-balance
Thank you so much!
Thank you, Allegra, for this brave post. To me, it feels like something we need more of as mothers, both online and offline. We need more people who are brave enough to show their vulnerability and talk about the pain, difficulty, and challenges of motherhood— aspects that are also part of the process. But, oh boy, we are so often ashamed and moulded by society not to talk about it!
Your writing and sharing resonated with me several times. I do get bored with my kids; I do not enjoy spending all my time with them; I hate constant tiredness; I hate their moodiness. In moments like that, I remind myself that nature did not intend for us to mother and nurture our offspring alone! We and our children should be surrounded by other members of the tribe—our aunties, sisters, fellow cavewomen—around us all the time. Our children should be the responsibility of the whole tribe; nature never envisioned that two people (and in many parts of the world, it is still one—the mother) would be looking after the child(ren) alone. It is too much to ask. So when I "go crazy" (and I do), I try to remember that. I am doing the best I can with the minimal resources given.
That's so true! This is such an unnatural environment, no wonder we're finding it so impossible - it actually is impossible. I wish we could find a way back to more of a community for our families.
Thank you so much for sharing, so few people talk about the hard bits I always felt (and still feel) so guilty for not loving motherhood. We’re given so many messages about how it ‘should’ be, it took me decades to realise it didn’t make me a bad person, although I still have plenty of moments of feeling like a bad mother.
Understanding my own neurodivergence (and theirs) now they’re grown up and only at home in the holidays has helped me find a little more compassion for myself, and us all different ways of relating to each other.
Living in multiply neurodivergent households is hard and so is parenting. Doing them together just adds new layers and intersections.
Thank you. It always seems like everyone else is loving motherhood - even when they say it's tough they usually say "but I love it / wouldn't change it" and I just think "well, there must be something wrong with me, then." Definitely understanding everyone's neurodivergence more would be helpful, but I'm still trying to figure out my own needs (and struggling to get them met), and with the kids being so young it's impossible to get any help to understand theirs!
I really feel all of this and I work with a lot of ND clients who struggle with the same.
I’m not sure what your flavour is, but Autistic Parents Uk might be worth looking at, they do some peer support work.
Sending solidarity, compassion and kindness 💜
Thank you. I have ADHD, and I think my daughter might too, although I also wonder if she might be on the autistic spectrum... It's difficult to know. She's only 5 so they won't even consider starting the diagnosis process for her, so we're just making our best guesses!
80% of people who have one have the other. There’s so much overlap and co-occurrence it can be hard to know (and they can mask different parts). It’s the figuring out the specifics of our own spikey profiles that’s often the most helpful, but that takes time and enthusiasm that so many of us do t have because it’s all going on existing.
There’s some fab neuro-affirming info on this site, it says autism, but covers adhd stuff too, so might be helpful if you have energy for it. https://autismunderstood.co.uk/about-autism-understood/
Amazing, thank you!
This is so very relatable. You are not alone. In fact I bet there is a whole tribe of us that feel this way. My children are 4 and 2, so I feel too like I am in the middle of it and I am yearning for them to leave me alone! Feeling like this is normal. Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you! It means so much to know other people feel the same.
I totally see you - please be assured you are not a bad mum. I’m an autistic mum of two autistic kids, my sister is adhd and I have an autistic nephew and an autistic/ADHD niece so you could say neurodiversity runs in our family! I had a good pregnancy with my first but terrible with my second and lots of issues with my mental health. Both me and my sister had significant periods when we could not connect with our babies and felt like we couldn’t own up to not loving them like a mum ‘should’ but actually it’s more common than you think.
Lots of big feelings in our family too and it hurts like hell when the kids tell you they hate you because that’s what I believe about myself too. However, as the boys are getting older (they’re 9 & 12 now), we’ve agreed the statement that we love each other but sometimes we don’t like each other very much. That enables us all to get angry and frustrated with each other, to overreact to a situation and burst into tears, and to cope with random chicken dances in the middle of the supermarket! We know that the big feelings are hard to cope with in the moment but it’s better to let them out than bottle them up. I try to give myself permission to walk away rather than trying to fix everything as my mental health isn’t great, but it’s hard to stay calm and connected in that moment. 3 and 5 is a tough time as the kids themselves have little emotional regulation. It does get better as they get older and can recognise their emotions even if they can’t control them yet. No stage is easy - you just think you have a handle on things then it changes again but if you can try to focus on building connections as a family it will see you through. Remember (as I tell myself frequently) - you are doing the best you can. I hold on to my mum saying she felt terrible for working long hours and not being around enough when we were little and the occasions when she lost it and yelled and cried at us but I don’t remember any of that - I remember a loving mum who provided great experiences and was always willing to chat and give us a hug when we needed it. Your kids will be the same - everyone has the ‘can’t cope’ moments (though most of us don’t like to admit it) and if there’s neurodiversity, there’s an extra level of coping that comes on top of the norm. If you’re really struggling, do reach out to someone for help - friends, family, professionals, whatever you feel comfortable with - just being able to release some of that emotion you’re carrying as a mum can really help. Good luck as you continue your motherhood journey and I know you’ll get through as a family.
Thank you so much! It's great to you're all able to communicate about your feelings, and that you've worked out language that works for you all. I think that really is the key!
Teenagers are easier. In my experience anyway. I personally think they just get better the older they get. My 14 year old is a lot less hard work than he was when he was 4! There were bit of toddler years and early primary that I liked but it was mainly very tiring, hard and often confusing. I think what saved me was I didn’t think it would be easy and was fully expecting it to be tricky - but don’t know why I knew that. I also think modern motherhood is harder because a. Too much knowledge about child development and psychology, too much awareness of your shortcomings and how you could be fucking it all up and b. Lack of ‘the village’ and the support that brings. I distrust anyone who says they’ve never regretted having children even once as I just don’t think it’s true. I think vast majority of people have these kind of thoughts and genuinely feel they’re failing as parents. Wish I could give you a hug! ❤️
Ahh thank you! I feel the virtual hug! And it's so true that we're so much more aware of our shortcomings now and the potential issues - when I was growing up in the 80s I'm not sure parents gave all that much thought to how they were affecting their children's emotional health, they just got on with doing it the way they thought best!
Oh gosh this was like a big sigh of relief... I relates to so so so much of it... it was like reading my own thoughts and I’m so grateful you shared.
I have been going round and round with this myself... and beating myself up for feeling like so much of what you write about... and of course these beings are magical and amazing and I AM grateful to be their mother... and I don’t regret them for a second... but I do wish... often... that I am working or creating or on my own... and i think we are in an impossible situation that’s so often a reflection of our environment and also the fact that we aren’t supposed to be with them alone for so much of the time. It’s not natural and it takes us to beyond our capacity... and that’s not because we are broken, or because we are bad mothers... it’s because the systems of support and modern life isn’t built for us to thrive in. Well that’s my experience anyway.
Mine are 1 and 4 and I feel like I’m in the trenches right now... I pray it gets better... I’m trusting it will.
Sending solidarity and so much compassion and grace to you. Xx
Thank you so much, and sending the same back to you. It's so true that life just isn't supposed to be like this and we're being put in impossible situations. Something has to change, but what that looks like, I just don't know.
Yes... it’s another thing to add to the mental load when considering how to change societal narratives as well as get through each day. Too big for one person. X
For sure!
All the way through reading this I wanted to shout out that it DOES GET EASIER!! But I also related to it so much. I used to get so bored of those trips to the park (apart from the times I managed to meet up with an adult friend, although that was always frustrating because I don't think I ever finished a conversation for about 5 years) and was rubbish at playing with toys and crafts at home (I still believe that anyone who says they love that stuff is lying!). But honestly, my twins are 13 now and I feel fulfilled and love being a mum to them. Sure, it's not always EASY, but the difficulties can be dealt with so much easier because they're like little adults now and when we have issues we can discuss them.
To you and all the others who've commented saying they feel like terrible mothers, please know that the very fact you think that proves you're not, and secondly, I promise that it's not like this forever, and that the changes will come faster than you realise.
Thank you! <3
100% this 👆
Thank you for sharing. I often wonder why there are things we're not "supposed to say" when all we're trying to do is communicate what we're feeling as honestly and vulnerably as we can. My kids are all adults now, and I still have days where I feel like the worst mother in the world. Sure, it's about things I do/don't do, but mainly I feel like I'm the worst because I feel/don't feel the way society says I'm supposed to in order to be a "good" mom. I have to keep reminding myself that feelings are not the enemy. They are a part of our very good and complicated design. While I don't think it's wise or fruitful to be ruled by my feelings, I am learning to pay closer attention to my feelings, because they're an indicator to what's actually going on with me. All the feelings, the "good" and not-so-good ones.
You're so right, we get pressured to try to ignore our real feelings and that's not good for everyone - we all need to be able to accept and understand our less positive feelings - like you say, they have important information for us.
So much of this resonates, and I think so many Mums feel the same way. I would honestly much rather spend a day at work than a day with my children! I can’t bear trying to play with them, I just don’t have the patience or imagination, which does make me feel terrible. I raise my voice and shout way too much. And I long for the day I can be on my own reading all day. I think motherhood can be especially hard for introvert & neurodivergent parents. It takes so much out of us on a daily basis. I do think having an imperfect Mum is part of learning that no one in life is perfect. And the most important thing is that they know they are loved, which I’m sure whatever your children say in the heat of the moment, they do know.
It really is supposed to take a village, and we're trying to do it all on our own. No wonder we're all exhausted.
Thanks for writing this. It takes me back to the days when my kids were all much smaller, which I often long for (and no doubt idealize). It’s true that parenting feels hard in a different way when they are teens and tweens.
I think what has helped most is:
1) Recognizing that we aren’t supposed to be trying to do this much alone. Bringing in help where possible, and cutting ourselves some slack when it’s not.
2) Really understanding how neurodivergence shows up in each member of the family, and finding a broader neurodivergent community.
Sending wishes for more ease in your life soon!
Thank you!
Hang on! Does that make me second worst? I appreciate your openess. I'd like to bet so many of us mums feel this way.
Thank you. We should start a bad mother's club, lol. The thing I hold onto is that, if I'm worried about not doing a good enough job, at least that means I care - that's got to be worth something, right?
It finally gets a wee bit easier when they reach adulthood. Sometimes. The ‘work’ never ends, but you do find yourself again. As teenagers they begin to pull away, it can be very painful, but necessary. Hang on in there.
Okay so I have an almost 17yo and an almost 7yo (and worked with primary school aged kids in a ‘previous life’). And honestly? It really depends on the children. Some are pretty easy for YEARS and then become teenagers and everything gets flipped upside down. Some are the complete opposite - so-called ‘problem’ children who turn into understanding, sensitive, kind-hearted teens and young adults. Some have tumultuous younger childhoods, are calm tweenagers, and then difficult teens. Some *seem* like the easiest-going children in the world and then you overhear what they’re saying about you while they’re gaming with friends (or you do the thing you’re never supposed to do and read their messages or diary) and it absolutely THROWS you because you thought everything was fine and it turns out they loathe you and the world around them. Some? Some are ‘difficult’ the entire time, or at least, *seem* ‘difficult’, because the world really isn’t built for them (some neurodivergent children fall into this category), but once you figure out some of the triggers behind it you can at least make parts of their lives a bit easier. And so on.
I will say though, for what it’s worth, speaking as an autistic woman and mother to an autistic kid (my youngest), that tantrums *all the time* might actually be indicative of something more going on than just typical kid stuff? And perhaps it might be something to consider whether there’s some additional neurodivergence in the equation in there somewhere. (Whether you or them or all of you.)