I absolutely hear you. Sexually abused by men in my parent's evangelical church when I was a child I ran away from religion when I was told I was full of evil for leading men on, but am spiritually starved. I had an interesting conversation with a Methodist minister just after my mum died, who said not only had I been sexually and emotionally abused, but I was spiritually abused.
Like you, I also seek solace in nature....it's been very hard to say I don't believe in God considering my upbringing.
I'm so sorry you went through that, Sue. That's such a powerful phrase, being "spiritually abused" - I think a lot of people could relate to that, having their spirituality stolen from them and it being corrupted by people using it to control them. Humans have tried to control and overcome nature too, of course, but that's not been possible.
Incidentally, this is the first time I've said these words out loud in a public forum, but this felt a safe space to do so. Thank you for your brave post that allowed me to do this. One I hope to be brave enough to get my story written.
I’m with you Allegra. I was maybe 7 or 8when I worked out that ‘god’ didn’t exist. (Mum was Christian, Dad an atheist so I got both sides and was allowed to make up my own mind) That it was illogical to decide the bible was the book to follow and not Tolkien or Peter and Jane, etc. Why out of the hundreds of gods was this one ‘the one’ and why this version at this particular church? And why do so many ‘Christian’s’ not follow the teachings of Jesus and are such awful people? The bible has been rewritten so many times (mainly by rich men who want a particular message given to the masses, especially women), badly translated, allegorical stories taken as absolute truth etc, it has been used to persecute, to intimidate, to harm. I can’t ever be part of that no matter how many times I am pointed to certain sections and told what to think, how to live, what to believe. I may as well point out a sentence in Game of Thrones and proclaim the 7 as the true gods as it says it there. Just as pointless.
I too find my peace in nature, I am awed by it, and thereby shamed by humanity, if there is any kind of spirituality it’s out there, but it has no sentience and therefore it requires nothing of us at all. We are insignificant and small. And that feels right.
Having read your post on emails, I realised I very rarely am able to take the time to sift through the emails I receive. With that in mind I started looking through them this morning and came across this post that I had missed. Wow! I can't say how much it resonated. I too was a practising Catholic, who made the choice to take my confirmation as an adult and I married in the chapel and had both our children baptised. Like you I loved the community, the link to my family going way back and I loved the rituals and celebrations. But I don't believe in God, and I dislike all of the things you have mentioned and my children have not been brought up as Catholics. They were raised with a wee wildlife hut, walks in nature and much exploring. Now my son is 15 and daughter 18 tomorrow (😭) they still have an appreciation for nature but are their own wee people and I once again am looking for that sense of belonging with others. I attend mediation in a lovely wee group of friends of different ages and stages that is based on Theravada Buddhism and our group is supported by a very wise Nun who we visit and who visits us. I know Buddhism still has it's faults and there are things I don't believe but I find some of the sense of belonging in that. Ultimately I like the idea we return to the earth as part of nature, that there is nothing else except this precious time and we need to use it as well as we can for ourselves and others.
Happy birthday to your daughter!! (And to you - I always think a child's birthday should be a time to celebrate the mother, and raising a child to adulthood is quite the milestone to celebrate!) I'm drawn to Buddhism too, I think because the teachings of Buddha are much more focused on life here - he didn't claim to know anything about what happens after death or what "god" was. It feels much more humble and open as a religion - different spiritual beliefs are welcome, it's more about looking inward and developing yourself.
Thank you 😊. Adulthood, gulp! I really can't believe it! Yes, I really like the Buddhist teachings and listening to the talks when we are at medication group is very grounding. Listening to Sister Candasaria in person even more so. I agree, it is how we find grounding in ourselves.
This is so interesting and reflects a conversation I had with two friends last weekend, notably as we stepped into Genoa cathedral during a weekend away. I'm catholic, I still call myself a catholic even though the last time I went to mass it was for my dad's funeral nine years ago. I resonate completely with what you got from going to church on a Sunday, this was what I was trying to explain to my friends. We'd see family, friends on a Sunday, stay for tea and coffee in the hall afterwards. Church was a space where I felt at home. It was familiar and safe. I still, when I do step into a church, feel an immediate calming and soothing of my nervous system but I haven't been able to reconcile this with the idea of belief. The way you articulate it makes perfect sense. I too love the theatre of a catholic mass. One of the friends talked about walking in nature as a place where she self soothes, and I love your idea of a communal walk in nature. Thank you (from a new subscriber!)
Yes I still feel very calmed by walking into a church. There is something soothing about the calm and quiet and coolness of it, especially the old stone buildings. I think it is a similar feeling to being in a quiet forest listening to bird song. I prefer the forest, but there's less of that spending time talking with other people that you mention. Difficult to find the balance, I guess!
It’s the simple, quiet, beautiful liturgy I miss the most. Even now it calms my soul. But I don’t feel I have any right to that unless I can buy the whole bundle. And I can’t. not any more
I can totally relate to everything you say here… I was also brought up with a Catholic mother, converted father. Lost my faith in my late teens because… it just didn’t make sense, but I still like the community of going to church
Nature is such a peaceful place for me. I enjoy walks outside, strolls along the beach when I'm near one, and even just basking in the sunshine of my patio for 10 minutes if I'm able. I definitely feel connected to something higher when I do these things - and I need the stillness to gather my thoughts and clear my head. Sometimes I'll invite other along, other times it's just for me. And I'm ok with that.
I'm with you, Allegra. I left Christianity and religion after 35 years (eight years ago) and Nature is definitely my sanctuary. I didn't grow up with the pageantry of the Catholic mass, but in my last years in the religion, I was drawn towards liturgical services. There was a comfort there in the rituals, and I've replaced that with my own pagan rituals... But you're right, it's often a solitary endeavor. And I understand the grief that can dwell there. I'm so appreciative of your courage in writing and sharing this, and I hear such humility and wisdom in your journey.
Thank you! Yes, rituals seem to be such a key part of human experience, and we can replace them but it feels like there's something missing when we're not performing them as a collective, at least some of the time. Maybe there's a way we can all do it together remotely... I'll have to ponder that!
Oh I loved this! I was raised in a religious family and also went to church regularly until my early 20’s. like you, if god is real, he’s a real dick. Also like you the kids and I turn to nature, but I totally understand that missing of community and connection.
With the loss of small tight communities, connection and sharing a purpose or celebration becomes so much harder.
If I was not in another hemisphere to you I would love to come worship nature with you!
Fascinating - I read somewhere I think it was a sociologist Linda Chapman or Grace Davie who talked about belonging before believing. I love sacred choral music in moderation and i love the cadence/poetrt age of the prayers but as the classic dance banger "Faithless" God is a DJ"of dance music https://youtu.be/zXUrVJNIcgA?si=v7Yz0luuhktXML_8
What a powerful post Allegra… I grew up going to church and it was so important as a family. It was connection and as you say… coming together to just be humans. I miss that but fully relate to you saying that Nature is your church. I find it interesting as my eldest has just started at a Church of England school and is now wanting to sing hymns about God and telling me what she has learned. I think there is such value in believing in something ‘vaster’ or ‘unseen’ and I instantly think of Mother Nature as that for me, and also just the unseen forces of magic and mystery… the universe I guess but it’s not something I think can be labelled. It’s just a knowing that there is something bigger than what we can visibly see that is somehow ‘holding’ us. I would totally come and join you for Nature worship Sunday sessions!!! Xxx
Yes my daughter's at a Church of England school now and she's got very into prayer and hymns. I do see such value in believing in something bigger - nature is that for me too, but I struggle to convey that to my kids when it feels so abstract. I guess the Bible stories are more relatable!
Thank you for this post, Allegra - it resonates so closely with my own journey with faith/religion, it was comforting to read and feel less alone in that.❤️
"Nature is the only god I can understand." This is where I've got to as well, after growing up in the Christian church and branching off into the yoga / new age world for a long while. I always come back to nature.
As far as the community needs go, as horrible as it is with what's happened in the US recently, I've been moved to tears by the community efforts around the hurricane aftermaths - total strangers coming together to help others whose lives have been torn apart. I'm fortunate to have found some semblance of community in rural West Wales in the 'conscious dance' / 'earth honouring' scene here. It seems genuine in that people help others when they're sick, need food parcels etc.
I bet more people would be up for those nature walks than you think <3
Came here to say the same thing :-) I'm definitely up for some communal nature worship! Thank you for this thoughtful piece Allegra 🙏
I absolutely hear you. Sexually abused by men in my parent's evangelical church when I was a child I ran away from religion when I was told I was full of evil for leading men on, but am spiritually starved. I had an interesting conversation with a Methodist minister just after my mum died, who said not only had I been sexually and emotionally abused, but I was spiritually abused.
Like you, I also seek solace in nature....it's been very hard to say I don't believe in God considering my upbringing.
I'm so sorry you went through that, Sue. That's such a powerful phrase, being "spiritually abused" - I think a lot of people could relate to that, having their spirituality stolen from them and it being corrupted by people using it to control them. Humans have tried to control and overcome nature too, of course, but that's not been possible.
Incidentally, this is the first time I've said these words out loud in a public forum, but this felt a safe space to do so. Thank you for your brave post that allowed me to do this. One I hope to be brave enough to get my story written.
I’m with you Allegra. I was maybe 7 or 8when I worked out that ‘god’ didn’t exist. (Mum was Christian, Dad an atheist so I got both sides and was allowed to make up my own mind) That it was illogical to decide the bible was the book to follow and not Tolkien or Peter and Jane, etc. Why out of the hundreds of gods was this one ‘the one’ and why this version at this particular church? And why do so many ‘Christian’s’ not follow the teachings of Jesus and are such awful people? The bible has been rewritten so many times (mainly by rich men who want a particular message given to the masses, especially women), badly translated, allegorical stories taken as absolute truth etc, it has been used to persecute, to intimidate, to harm. I can’t ever be part of that no matter how many times I am pointed to certain sections and told what to think, how to live, what to believe. I may as well point out a sentence in Game of Thrones and proclaim the 7 as the true gods as it says it there. Just as pointless.
I too find my peace in nature, I am awed by it, and thereby shamed by humanity, if there is any kind of spirituality it’s out there, but it has no sentience and therefore it requires nothing of us at all. We are insignificant and small. And that feels right.
This is so powerful, Tamsin!!
Having read your post on emails, I realised I very rarely am able to take the time to sift through the emails I receive. With that in mind I started looking through them this morning and came across this post that I had missed. Wow! I can't say how much it resonated. I too was a practising Catholic, who made the choice to take my confirmation as an adult and I married in the chapel and had both our children baptised. Like you I loved the community, the link to my family going way back and I loved the rituals and celebrations. But I don't believe in God, and I dislike all of the things you have mentioned and my children have not been brought up as Catholics. They were raised with a wee wildlife hut, walks in nature and much exploring. Now my son is 15 and daughter 18 tomorrow (😭) they still have an appreciation for nature but are their own wee people and I once again am looking for that sense of belonging with others. I attend mediation in a lovely wee group of friends of different ages and stages that is based on Theravada Buddhism and our group is supported by a very wise Nun who we visit and who visits us. I know Buddhism still has it's faults and there are things I don't believe but I find some of the sense of belonging in that. Ultimately I like the idea we return to the earth as part of nature, that there is nothing else except this precious time and we need to use it as well as we can for ourselves and others.
Happy birthday to your daughter!! (And to you - I always think a child's birthday should be a time to celebrate the mother, and raising a child to adulthood is quite the milestone to celebrate!) I'm drawn to Buddhism too, I think because the teachings of Buddha are much more focused on life here - he didn't claim to know anything about what happens after death or what "god" was. It feels much more humble and open as a religion - different spiritual beliefs are welcome, it's more about looking inward and developing yourself.
Thank you 😊. Adulthood, gulp! I really can't believe it! Yes, I really like the Buddhist teachings and listening to the talks when we are at medication group is very grounding. Listening to Sister Candasaria in person even more so. I agree, it is how we find grounding in ourselves.
This is so interesting and reflects a conversation I had with two friends last weekend, notably as we stepped into Genoa cathedral during a weekend away. I'm catholic, I still call myself a catholic even though the last time I went to mass it was for my dad's funeral nine years ago. I resonate completely with what you got from going to church on a Sunday, this was what I was trying to explain to my friends. We'd see family, friends on a Sunday, stay for tea and coffee in the hall afterwards. Church was a space where I felt at home. It was familiar and safe. I still, when I do step into a church, feel an immediate calming and soothing of my nervous system but I haven't been able to reconcile this with the idea of belief. The way you articulate it makes perfect sense. I too love the theatre of a catholic mass. One of the friends talked about walking in nature as a place where she self soothes, and I love your idea of a communal walk in nature. Thank you (from a new subscriber!)
Yes I still feel very calmed by walking into a church. There is something soothing about the calm and quiet and coolness of it, especially the old stone buildings. I think it is a similar feeling to being in a quiet forest listening to bird song. I prefer the forest, but there's less of that spending time talking with other people that you mention. Difficult to find the balance, I guess!
It’s the simple, quiet, beautiful liturgy I miss the most. Even now it calms my soul. But I don’t feel I have any right to that unless I can buy the whole bundle. And I can’t. not any more
I so relate!!
I can totally relate to everything you say here… I was also brought up with a Catholic mother, converted father. Lost my faith in my late teens because… it just didn’t make sense, but I still like the community of going to church
Nature is such a peaceful place for me. I enjoy walks outside, strolls along the beach when I'm near one, and even just basking in the sunshine of my patio for 10 minutes if I'm able. I definitely feel connected to something higher when I do these things - and I need the stillness to gather my thoughts and clear my head. Sometimes I'll invite other along, other times it's just for me. And I'm ok with that.
I'm with you, Allegra. I left Christianity and religion after 35 years (eight years ago) and Nature is definitely my sanctuary. I didn't grow up with the pageantry of the Catholic mass, but in my last years in the religion, I was drawn towards liturgical services. There was a comfort there in the rituals, and I've replaced that with my own pagan rituals... But you're right, it's often a solitary endeavor. And I understand the grief that can dwell there. I'm so appreciative of your courage in writing and sharing this, and I hear such humility and wisdom in your journey.
Thank you! Yes, rituals seem to be such a key part of human experience, and we can replace them but it feels like there's something missing when we're not performing them as a collective, at least some of the time. Maybe there's a way we can all do it together remotely... I'll have to ponder that!
Oh I loved this! I was raised in a religious family and also went to church regularly until my early 20’s. like you, if god is real, he’s a real dick. Also like you the kids and I turn to nature, but I totally understand that missing of community and connection.
With the loss of small tight communities, connection and sharing a purpose or celebration becomes so much harder.
If I was not in another hemisphere to you I would love to come worship nature with you!
Ahh maybe one day!
Fascinating - I read somewhere I think it was a sociologist Linda Chapman or Grace Davie who talked about belonging before believing. I love sacred choral music in moderation and i love the cadence/poetrt age of the prayers but as the classic dance banger "Faithless" God is a DJ"of dance music https://youtu.be/zXUrVJNIcgA?si=v7Yz0luuhktXML_8
What a powerful post Allegra… I grew up going to church and it was so important as a family. It was connection and as you say… coming together to just be humans. I miss that but fully relate to you saying that Nature is your church. I find it interesting as my eldest has just started at a Church of England school and is now wanting to sing hymns about God and telling me what she has learned. I think there is such value in believing in something ‘vaster’ or ‘unseen’ and I instantly think of Mother Nature as that for me, and also just the unseen forces of magic and mystery… the universe I guess but it’s not something I think can be labelled. It’s just a knowing that there is something bigger than what we can visibly see that is somehow ‘holding’ us. I would totally come and join you for Nature worship Sunday sessions!!! Xxx
Yes my daughter's at a Church of England school now and she's got very into prayer and hymns. I do see such value in believing in something bigger - nature is that for me too, but I struggle to convey that to my kids when it feels so abstract. I guess the Bible stories are more relatable!
Thank you for this post, Allegra - it resonates so closely with my own journey with faith/religion, it was comforting to read and feel less alone in that.❤️
"Nature is the only god I can understand." This is where I've got to as well, after growing up in the Christian church and branching off into the yoga / new age world for a long while. I always come back to nature.
As far as the community needs go, as horrible as it is with what's happened in the US recently, I've been moved to tears by the community efforts around the hurricane aftermaths - total strangers coming together to help others whose lives have been torn apart. I'm fortunate to have found some semblance of community in rural West Wales in the 'conscious dance' / 'earth honouring' scene here. It seems genuine in that people help others when they're sick, need food parcels etc.
Really interesting piece, Allegra. Thank you for sharing this.
Yes to all of this, Allegra! 🙏 🌏 🌳