Allegra, this is exactly what I needed to read today. What a wonderful piece. I find myself in a very strange place where I am feeling a deep grief and fear of losing my father (he has leukaemia which they are saying they can’t cure). I monitor his every move; has he eaten enough today, does he look like he needs support with something, how long do we have? Perhaps I shouldn’t go away for two days what if something happens? And then on the other hand I have entered into a relationship much like yours with your husband with a man who is so understanding and steadfast, who just loves me and all my panicky ways. Feeling both at the same time has become overwhelming at certain junctures that I’ve wanted to escape the love and the relationship. What you write here is a tonic. A beautiful moving piece on what it means to live. It has brought me solace that to feel this is what it means to be human. Thank you xx
Oof! This reads like you jumped into my brain and took out all my thoughts about my child! Thank you for being so vulnerable and open. I loved reading this. We should definitely all be talking about the intrusive thoughts more. One of my favourite videos on death is by Thich Naht Hanh, Dear little flame. It takes all the fear and sadness out of it.
So raw and honest and touching. Thank you for sharing - I can relate to much of this. The grief of all we love and loose in this world can be so crushing. But we must love to truly live.
Such a powerful piece of writing, thank you. And this - "When I was a teenager, it was the thought of my mother’s heartbreak that kept me alive." This was me, too. I thought I was the only person in the world who had had that thought process.
During one of my most impactful psychedelic experiences I came away with one singular revelation, possibly delivered from the beautiful redwoods I was with at the time:
It's worth it in the end.
So the last line of this piece really resonates and you illuminated the deeper meaning of this idea so powerfully here.
Whew. I don’t report on shedding a tear often but it really made me think of my mum and the hard times she’s been through with us. Had to stop by to thank you. Touching essay. 🙏🏽
Thank you for this article - it was a healing and cathartic read for me.
I don’t know if this will help you at all - but when my mom was dying of cancer she wrote letters to my sister and I. She also filled out memory books that talk about things like her first friend, her first date, how she met my dad, her wedding day and both of our births. I cherish those things so much. The book and the letter have both come with me on multiple cross country moves - and I read them whenever I feel lonely or I miss her more than normal.
And I do miss her. Every day. That loss fundamentally changed my life. But she prepared me as well as she could for life on my own - and in leaving that part of her behind she’s brought me a lot of comfort.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I've started making my parents and in-laws fill out books about themselves that I can pass on to my children. I read something about creating ancestor bottles, which involved putting things like the favourite flower of a loved one in a bottle. I realised that, despite having been incredibly close to my grandmother, I have no clue what her favourite flower was. So I wanted my kids to have things to look back on from their grandparents.
I love that! It’s such a great way to pass down memories. My grandparents all died young so I never got to know them - and then I lost my mom young as well. So the memories she put in the book are extra special and we are already passing them down to my nieces and nephews.
I've spent so much of my life not quite able to enjoy the happy times because I'm convinced that some day it will be ripped away. I can rationalise this because my younger brother died when I was 4 so I grew up in a family entrenched in grief and with the deep-rooted knowledge that it can happen. My mum had very dark moments and talks of how she was only stopped from going after him by the more certain knowledge that I'd be left here without her. In more recent years I have grown more confident in the resilience of humans and the fear of disaster has lessened. I wrote a series called Wisdom of the Matriarchs which explored the life reflections of my mum and a group of her close friends, now all around 70. That was enlightening. And I trained to be a Genetic Counsellor which led me to people who are experiencing devastating things, but finding strength and light even in that.
I am so on board with your sentiments and so much resonated with me. But I also now believe that it's possible to reach a calmer and more accepting place, such that the idea of future grief doesn't take up too much space in the beautiful now.
Wow.. just wow.. this is such a wonderful piece of writing 👏 😍 I have so much I want to say, but don't know where to start.. I think I'll come back another day. Thank you for being you and sharing your very wise words ❤️
Allegra, this is exactly what I needed to read today. What a wonderful piece. I find myself in a very strange place where I am feeling a deep grief and fear of losing my father (he has leukaemia which they are saying they can’t cure). I monitor his every move; has he eaten enough today, does he look like he needs support with something, how long do we have? Perhaps I shouldn’t go away for two days what if something happens? And then on the other hand I have entered into a relationship much like yours with your husband with a man who is so understanding and steadfast, who just loves me and all my panicky ways. Feeling both at the same time has become overwhelming at certain junctures that I’ve wanted to escape the love and the relationship. What you write here is a tonic. A beautiful moving piece on what it means to live. It has brought me solace that to feel this is what it means to be human. Thank you xx
Thank you so much, I'm so glad it was helpful. I'm so sorry to hear about your father, sending you and your family much love. ❤️
Oof! This reads like you jumped into my brain and took out all my thoughts about my child! Thank you for being so vulnerable and open. I loved reading this. We should definitely all be talking about the intrusive thoughts more. One of my favourite videos on death is by Thich Naht Hanh, Dear little flame. It takes all the fear and sadness out of it.
I’m going to take a look at this video Sarah thank you for mentioning it!
https://youtu.be/AwoTsoeIfcQ?si=IgjDf5BoD833Fj8Z
So raw and honest and touching. Thank you for sharing - I can relate to much of this. The grief of all we love and loose in this world can be so crushing. But we must love to truly live.
Such a powerful piece of writing, thank you. And this - "When I was a teenager, it was the thought of my mother’s heartbreak that kept me alive." This was me, too. I thought I was the only person in the world who had had that thought process.
You're definitely not alone. x
Thank you for writing this, Allegra!
During one of my most impactful psychedelic experiences I came away with one singular revelation, possibly delivered from the beautiful redwoods I was with at the time:
It's worth it in the end.
So the last line of this piece really resonates and you illuminated the deeper meaning of this idea so powerfully here.
Whew. I don’t report on shedding a tear often but it really made me think of my mum and the hard times she’s been through with us. Had to stop by to thank you. Touching essay. 🙏🏽
Thank you for this article - it was a healing and cathartic read for me.
I don’t know if this will help you at all - but when my mom was dying of cancer she wrote letters to my sister and I. She also filled out memory books that talk about things like her first friend, her first date, how she met my dad, her wedding day and both of our births. I cherish those things so much. The book and the letter have both come with me on multiple cross country moves - and I read them whenever I feel lonely or I miss her more than normal.
And I do miss her. Every day. That loss fundamentally changed my life. But she prepared me as well as she could for life on my own - and in leaving that part of her behind she’s brought me a lot of comfort.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I've started making my parents and in-laws fill out books about themselves that I can pass on to my children. I read something about creating ancestor bottles, which involved putting things like the favourite flower of a loved one in a bottle. I realised that, despite having been incredibly close to my grandmother, I have no clue what her favourite flower was. So I wanted my kids to have things to look back on from their grandparents.
I love that! It’s such a great way to pass down memories. My grandparents all died young so I never got to know them - and then I lost my mom young as well. So the memories she put in the book are extra special and we are already passing them down to my nieces and nephews.
I've spent so much of my life not quite able to enjoy the happy times because I'm convinced that some day it will be ripped away. I can rationalise this because my younger brother died when I was 4 so I grew up in a family entrenched in grief and with the deep-rooted knowledge that it can happen. My mum had very dark moments and talks of how she was only stopped from going after him by the more certain knowledge that I'd be left here without her. In more recent years I have grown more confident in the resilience of humans and the fear of disaster has lessened. I wrote a series called Wisdom of the Matriarchs which explored the life reflections of my mum and a group of her close friends, now all around 70. That was enlightening. And I trained to be a Genetic Counsellor which led me to people who are experiencing devastating things, but finding strength and light even in that.
I am so on board with your sentiments and so much resonated with me. But I also now believe that it's possible to reach a calmer and more accepting place, such that the idea of future grief doesn't take up too much space in the beautiful now.
Umm, when did you get inside my head? Powerful stuff.
There's good stuff in there! 😆
Somewhere, and there’s lots of dross too
You say it all so beautifully. Thank you for sharing x
Such a beautiful post. The constant grieving for previous versions of our children is so hard.
Wow.. just wow.. this is such a wonderful piece of writing 👏 😍 I have so much I want to say, but don't know where to start.. I think I'll come back another day. Thank you for being you and sharing your very wise words ❤️