I love creating these posts. I only started last month, but I really enjoy looking back over what I’ve been doing, and collecting my notes into some semblance of order. This is a creative scrapbook where I start gathering the scraps to see what lines up together.
I’ve been thinking about…
Stepping outside the box
If you’ve been reading my recent posts, you’ll know that March was a big month for me. I started home educating my daughter and had to fully lean into flexible working in the most literal sense of the term. Any sense of structure has completely disappeared. The view outside the box, when you step outside into the vast expanse you never knew existed beyond your walls, is beautiful and breathtaking and overwhelming and terrifying.
It’s got me thinking, a LOT, about how little we question the status quo because it’s so scary to follow a path away from the beaten track of societal expectations. And how it’s been engineered that way to keep us all in line.
I really want to hear from other people who are living unconventional lives, or in some way rejecting the norms that society tries to impose. I’ve set up a form to collect interviews, and if you have a story to share then I would love to hear it.
Being a writer
I wrote about the (not so woo and actually highly scientific) magic of claiming the title of “writer”, and being instead of wanting to be. I also had a chat on Notes with
about “why we write in public”. Something I casually said was important, and then realised I’d given very little thought to. So I’ve been giving some thought to it and will post towards the end of this week. Kathryn has already shared her thoughts, so do give that post a read!I got rejected by an agent this month, which took some of the shine off my claiming of the “writer” title, but then writing professionally has taught me that rejection is a perfectly necessary part of the process. It’s a numbers game, largely. Although I did start to wonder if I could just publish the book I’m pitching on Substack and bypass the whole publishing industry entirely… What do you think?
Gatherings
Since I renamed this space as “The Gathering”, I’ve been thinking about how we can actually gather. I would love to create a space where those of us who feel ourselves to be outsiders, or who choose to live in a way that is outside societal expectations, can come together and support one another. I’m imagining some meditative space for ourselves to set down some of the tension we might be feeling, some journaling to explore how we feel about the brave new worlds we’re creating, and some sharing time to discuss any challenges we’re experiencing or insights we’ve gained.
If that was available as an online meet-up (probably for an hour, in the evening UK time, probably monthly), would you come?
A journal entry
I thought I’d share an extract from my journal, which sums up a lot of the general mood for me right now. It also captures one of the last days I ever had to do a school run!
Wet. It so wet today. So much rain. I was soaked through by the time I’d dropped both the kids off, water dripping from my hair, sodden clothes clinging to me, hands red from the cold. In the afternoon, when I put my raincoat back on for the school pick-up, it was still soaking wet. The rain hammered down from the sky as if the clouds were furious. But, as [5yo] and I turned to face the sea, walking towards [3yo]’s nursery, we could see blue sky on the horizon. Beyond the ceiling of grey above our heads, there was bright blue, speckled with gold. This too shall pass.
And it did. When we came out of [a friend’s house that we’d visited after nursery], the storm had blown away, the sky was light.
I stopped for a moment, before I reached our front door. “Kids!” I called, suddenly excited as the realisation hit me. They turned, too tired to really take an interest. “It’s 5 o’clock and it’s still light!” I told them.
“Oh yeah,” [5yo] mumbled, unimpressed, but trying to sound like she cared for my sake. [3yo] barely reacted.
They’re too young for it to matter, this shift. But for me, something magical had happened. The year had turned. The storm had passed. Winter is on its way out. The daffodils have arrived in force in the patch of ground they call a wood at the end of our street. The green on the seafront is studded with daisies and dandelions. The starlings and sparrows are back in our garden.
Spring is here.
I made…
Some art
A lot of lists
Planning content, courses, pitches, book launches, not to mention home education activities. March felt like planning season. New growth for a new seasonal cycle, ready to burst out.
I made a post-it note wall to get my to do list out of my head, where it was scary, and into a place where I could manage it. The sight of it terrified my husband, who now realises how much is actually going on inside my brain.
A tiny spring poem
For
’s tiny spring poem prompt, “if”, I wrote this - which seems entirely appropriate given everything else going on.Spring is a season of “ifs”. Potential lies suspended in the soil, Curls up tight on tree branches, Pulses just under our skin. There is so much waiting to show itself That isn't, quite yet. The weather cycles through possibilities Like a child testing a new box of paints; Rain and sun and wind and hail and heat Are thrown onto the canvas to see what will happen. Sometimes it's too much, all these could bes As we wait to see what unfurls, what blooms, Who we will become.
Many photos of the sea
Obviously.
Also some photos of things that were not the sea…
A story gift
I handmade a scroll, and wrote one of my Full Moon Tales on it for a friend’s birthday. I think she liked it.
A bit more of a jumper
I just thought I’d prove that I have made some progress since last month. Although there’s still a way to go!
I had a dream
I had a dream that I was visiting the library of a famous artist. Not a famous artist that exists in the real world, but in the dream world she was a famous artist who I think had now died but had kept a beautiful private library that her estate opened to the public on very rare occasions for exclusive tours. I’m not sure how I managed to get on one of these tours, because I knew almost nothing about who the artist was, but I think I was with friends who were fans.
As soon as I stepped inside, I started to feel drowsy. There was a large, colourful book displayed prominently, facing outwards, on a shelf, that I felt powerfully drawn towards, but, as I stood in front of it, I felt that I absolutely had to lie down and rest instead. When I came to, the woman who looked after / managed the library said that people often had strong reactions to being in this space. It turned out I wasn’t the only one who had fallen asleep or fainted, and many people were overcome with emotion. I didn’t understand why, and I felt like a fraud for “having a reaction” when I wasn’t a fan or anything. Why would I be overwhelmed? But that book was still calling to me…
This is where my 3yo woke me up.
Going to sleep in a dream is supposedly a sign that you are trying to avoid facing something, or that you don’t want to face what the dream is trying to tell you.
I felt like I didn’t belong, either as a visitor initially, or as one of the people who were “touched” by the library, so there was a theme of not belonging - a theme I’ve been entirely fixated on recently.
It’s interesting that that experience took place within a library, a place of books, for me as a writer, and a library that had been owned by an artist. So a highly creative space.
There was knowledge in the book that I wanted to look at, but in the end I didn’t let myself. I held back.
An indication that I’ve been holding back from fully exploring my creativity, perhaps? That I’ve been holding myself back by feeling that I don’t belong, that I’m some kind of imposter? What is it that I’m trying to avoid facing, I wonder…?
If I gain any new insights over the next month, I’ll let you know!
This was beautiful to read. Thank you for sharing your art and photos, I loved it. Yes, to an online gathering!
I need a “maybe” option for a gathering. Working with multiple time zones so just depends. Love the idea ❤️