Living Outside the Box with Laura Durban
Practising trust and jumping into the cold water
“Reclaiming regeneration and restoring relationships is a choice we get to make every moment of every day.”
Welcome to the next installment of Living Outside the Box! In these interviews, we meet people who are living outside of the narrow expectations of society, and explore with them what other ways are possible.
This month, we’re joined by , author of and . I’ve been following Laura’s writing for a while, so I was thrilled that she chose to contribute to a Living Outside the Box interview (and you can do - just fill in this form). Laura’s reflections also challenged me to face the fact that I have a tendency to want to paint outside the box life as all rosy and positive, partly to validate it in the face of a society determined to undermine it, but also to justify my own choices and existence. But, as with any way of living, it’s not perfect. It has its difficulties and its drawbacks. And, as Laura demonstrates, it’s not always a first choice. Many of us end up outside society’s comfortable parameters through circumstance and out of necessity. Once we find ourselves here, there can be a great deal of rich insights and experiences to be gained, but these are hard-won.
Meet Laura
Laura Durban is an inner work facilitator, cacao ceremonialist and Priestess of Avalon. Originally from Germany, Laura has lived all over the world, most recently settling in the UK, and she discovered the magic of cacao while living in Iceland. She founded her heart-led business Kakaozauber (which translates as “cacao sorcery”) to bring more magic and connection to her world. Laura is an advocate for the alchemy we can create by remembering the power of our own intuition, the wisdom of our hearts and the love for sacred chocolate.
Tell us about your “outside the box” life.
I am currently typing this under a sun umbrella during a gentle rain by the beach. Our last stop in Italy before we travel through Austria to my family in the Black Forest in South Germany. My partner, nearly two year old son and me have decided to go on the road and exchange the cold spring in the UK for the pristine blue ocean and sunny mountain hikes in Greece for as long as Sean’s british passport permits. What sounds like a dream life is not our idea of ideal living but actually a compromise, one that turned into a huge mindset shift and opportunity.
Since Fynn River’s birth we have been trying to settle, moving from one short-term let and compromised living situation to the next, not able to find a long-term rental with our low income. I actually consider it a privilege to be able to rent a two bedroom place with garden and a car. It seems like an unattainable dream to me as a self-employed creative who provides for a small family and is not the textbook client of an estate agent. Hence why, whilst both Sean and me build up our businesses alongside parenting and unschooling, we left the expected road of partner, job, house and kids to forge our own path and expand our horizon.
We have been faced with critique from both our dads and urged to get a "real" job, but we are in this for the long run and we have proven many times over that we are living fulfilled, happy and "safe", by doing exactly what we love and surrendering to the Unknown.
“all expectations and judgements - no matter if they are posed from family or from within - are equally valid and negligible. They trigger us to be transformed, they are here for us to meet our edge and extract the medicine we need to evolve.”
How did you first discover alternatives to the society’s expectations?
When I was graduating as a literature and arts teacher in 2018/19, I suddenly knew that I wasn’t meant to go to school. I would have had a job and stable income secured, but most likely also a burnout. It was as if my whole being knew this was not for me, despite working towards it for so long, plus longing for some stability and financial flow.
I had no Plan B, but somehow the deep courage to just trust this mad inkling and jump into the cold water. I told my doubting mind that I could always find a cleaning job if nothing else appeared. Until the day it all speeded up and my until then passions of holding space, creating ceremony, teaching about cacao and deepening my spiritual practices culminated in a synchronistic offer to become a contractor for the major ceremonial grade cacao brand - which flew me to Guatemala two months later, where I got stranded in bliss land during the first lockdown. I started hosting my own online courses and events to stay connected with my already established community in Germany, and suddenly found myself a digital nomad and creative entrepreneur - the complete opposite of what I thought I would be.
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The possibility to travel (once it was possible again, before the next lockdown) led me to Glastonbury where I moved to and eventually met my partner and freebirthed my son - another decision I would have not thought possible for me in those previous years. By that time I was pretty used to pivoting and taking life’s twists and turns with a smile, and I am so grateful for the flexibility I allowed myself to move with - and my partner who pushed himself out of his comfort zone - because, despite life not being perfect, it became perfectly magical!
How have your friends and family reacted to these changes in your path?
Most friends and family were celebrating us for creating our dream life, and either find it empowering or simply know us and are in awe of us being calm, content and happy, having a stable and loving relationship, and keeping consciously growing and evolving as people and parents.
The more critical reactions came from both our dads - a lot of concern about our financial situation (which still is not ideal with savings to keep us afloat). But the main issue to overcome was our own self-imposed expectations and criticism. We had to find patience with ourselves and work hard on our own inner saboteurs. It took heaps of self-trust and continuous conversations with those that encouraged us.
To me the main ingredient was to understand that all expectations and judgements - no matter if they are posed from family or from within - are equally valid and negligible. They trigger us to be transformed, they are here for us to meet our edge and extract the medicine we need to evolve.
My interests in personal development and devotion to inner (child and shadow) work alongside my job as a priestess, cacao ceremonialist and mentor for fellow sacred leaders, gave me the motivation to change, shed old identities and rebirth myself through shifting limiting beliefs and continuously facing fears and doubts.
What lessons have you learned from taking an “unconventional” path?
That I have more evidence for everything working out than for everything going wrong.
Plus it proves many conditioned beliefs of society wrong: such as motherhood has to be martyrdom, or the partner will work all the time, or we have to struggle and be busy and stressed otherwise we can’t relate to others. We were taught to believe that we should fear our power and prioritise external validation and busyness over joy, love, reciprocity and self-responsibility. The greedy claws of patriarchy had us all in its hands. But we are sovereign creatures who simply have to wake up from the numbing slumber.
Reclaiming regeneration and restoring relationships is a choice we get to make every moment of every day.
“Differentiating between control and love is crucial… not wishing fear away or trying to push doubts away but building capacity to alchemise them and keep dreaming.”
What preconceptions do you think people have about your way of living?
The main assumption people had and still have is that I have it all figured out and am so courageous and how inspiring it is that it "works for me" but would not be possible for them. Here is the thing: I make it work! I choose to step out of passiveness and towards actively changing my habits and subconscious patterns. There is A LOT of trial and error involved :) and many moments of not knowing what the next step looks like, which requires consistent surrendering control and soothing my nervous system. I practice trust daily. I might be all about devotion and faith as a Priestess of Avalon, but it certainly doesn’t come easily and is something I consciously call into my experience. Especially when anxiety or worry hits and I try to control. For example: without having the financial means to find a decent place, we have to think creatively and come up with options outside the box! It becomes a decision to believe that possibilities are out there and we get to adapt to them.
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Oh, and another good one: many think we are hippy nomads that love the travelling life and being digital nomads. And sure, we make it work for us and enjoy the benefits of it, but truly both of us long to settle. I can’t wait to get my beloved treasures and possessions out of storage and decorate a house! Sean is eager to be involved in community and I am sure Fynn would love friends to grow up with. We would admittedly choose settling over being "free" and on the road, but we are both acknowledging and accepting that travelling helps us expand how we view the world and to experience where we actually want to settle or root down and make new friends. The day we get to paint our own four walls and drink my beloved specialty coffee in the garden is going to be a big celebration!
What advice would you give to anyone considering an “outside the box” life?
Don’t waste energy on what you can’t control. For this, notice when you try to control something and actively relax your jaw, lower your shoulders, exhale and let go. What would love do?
Differentiating between control - e.g. contraction, resulting from fear - and love - e.g. expansion and change - is crucial. Learning how to hold yourself through phases of contractions, not wishing fear away or trying to push doubts away but building capacity to alchemise them and keep dreaming. Allow life to guide you and find the fruits of your labour in forms you might not have expected them to grow.
I’m so grateful to Laura for sharing her beautiful story here! Do go read more of her words at and , and you can find out more about Laura’s online courses and ceremonial offerings at lauradurban.com.
If you’d like to share your own story of life outside the box, you can complete the interview questions here.
Loved reading this. It’s given me lots to think about…
Also, completely random, I’ve often thought having disabled children means you end up ‘living outside the box’. I suspect lots of other parents feel the same way
Also, I love this beautiful differentiation: Differentiating between control - e.g. contraction, resulting from fear - and love - e.g. expansion and change - is crucial. Learning how to hold yourself through phases of contractions, not wishing fear away or trying to push doubts away but building capacity to alchemise them and keep dreaming. Thank you!