Interview: Discovering Motherhood with Aleesha Hradoway and Allegra Chapman
Letters across the Atlantic about being yourself while being a mother
I’m very excited to bring you something a little different. This collaborative interview has been quite a while in the making (mostly because I spent a lot of last year being fairly overwhelmed by life!), and I’m so happy that I can now share it with you.
I first came across
through her newsletter and I absolutely fell in love with her writing. Aleesha talks beautifully, honestly and bravely about the challenges and power of motherhood. She doesn’t sugarcoat things or set up an impossibly ideal standard to make us all feel like we’re failing, but she does invite us to step into an empowered and confident kind of motherhood, leaning into our own inner wisdom, embracing our imperfections and prioritising love above all. Aleesha’s newsletter includes support for us, as mothers, to make space for our own creativity and to tell our stories. Those of you who read regularly will fully understand why that resonates so powerfully with me!Aleesha and I began exchanging emails, and I’ve really enjoyed learning more about her, her work as a doula, coach and micro-homesteader, and her family. And from those conversations, between two women, both mothers, both creatives, in different countries (Aleesha in Canada, me in the UK) living different lives but often facing similar challenges, we decided to collect some of our thoughts about motherhood together. Which resulted in this interview! Aleesha wrote four questions, I wrote four questions, and we both answered them. I hope you enjoy reading, and I’d love to hear any answers of your own to any of the questions we’ve pondered here.
Discovering Motherhood
Aleesha’s Questions
1) What’s your survival mode strategy for days that feel impossible?
Aleesha
For the days where I feel like I can’t make it through, I ground myself in three strategies. The first is noticing my self-talk and whether it’s bringing my mood up or down. I try to use both/and phrases like “I am both having a hard morning and I will get through the day like I always do” to validate how I feel as well as give myself confidence that I will, indeed, make it through. I also try to find something to look forward to, like a hot cup of tea when I don’t want to get out of bed. The second is making a plan for the tasks that feel the hardest and trying to get out of the house. For me, that’s usually making food/eating, so I will plan to leave the house and go get something delicious then maybe pop in at the thrift store and get something new-to-us. The last is caring for future Aleesha by asking if friends are available to hang out or chat, even if it’s not the same day. It’s easy for me to feel like I’m alone and no one cares, and so I’m trying to rewire my brain to reach out on my hardest days.
Allegra
Just putting one foot in front of the other. I find, on hard days, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by all the challenges we need to face and all the tasks we need to get through, so just reminding myself to take things one step at a time takes a big weight off my shoulders. I also find it helpful to remember that most things actually aren’t as urgent or important as we make them out to be - really, when it comes down to it, most things can wait. So on the days when it all feels like too much, I give myself permission to take as much as possible off my to do list, and let go of as much pressure as I can. Getting out of the house and into nature always lifts me - and I find it makes my kids a million times happier too! So if I can get out for a walk on the beach or in the woods - either by myself or with the children - that clears my head and raises my energy levels. Connecting with others also makes everything feel better, even if it’s the last thing I might feel like in the moment. Going to the playground with some friends or meeting someone for a coffee, just to not be in it alone (whether the “it” is parenting, or work, or just life in general) makes such a difference.
2) In what ways have you been challenged to release the expectation of who you thought your kids would be to embrace who they really are?
Aleesha
I think this area has certainly been the hardest but most important part of my parenting journey. Declan was a high-needs baby up until he was about 2, and I just was riddled with doubt about the way we were parenting. A lot of what we did was shaped by responding to his needs rather than how we *thought* we would parent. As he’s grown older, I’ve also grown in confidence knowing that it wasn’t my fault that those first years were so hard, and that I did my best to nurture him just as he was. Now that we have a second, I can confirm that we didn’t cause our son’s difficulties any more than we caused our daughter to be more content.
Allegra
I feel like this is something I’m continuing to learn every single day. I had such a picture in my head of who my children would be, and who I would be as a mother, and it was such a learning curve for me when they arrived and nothing went according to “the plan”. I was amazed by what strong, and distinct, personalities my children had from their very first day on this planet. And by how different they were from each other - once I felt I’d got a handle on parenting with my eldest, my second came along and threw everything I thought I’d learned out of the window. I’m fairly sure my daughter is neurodivergent as well, like myself, and that also brings up other feelings around what you think childhood should be like, what a “happy” child looks like, what behaviours children “should” show, what they “should” enjoy. It’s hard to let go of that, because there is so much pressure from society, and from the perfect Instagram mother brigade, but I have to keep constantly reminding myself that my job isn’t to shape these little people into any particular form, or to paint a picture of a supposedly perfect family; it’s to provide space for them to become fully themselves. I keep reminding myself that they’re on a journey of learning who they are, and that I’m also getting to know them and understand them as they grow, and that’s a real privilege. I know that it took me a really long time to fully understand myself and be confident in living fully as myself, and I so badly want them to have that confidence from a much younger age. So my work is to give them space to learn and then validate the learnings they discover along the way.
3) How do you practice trusting your own inner knowing as a parent, especially when it’s at odds with popular advice?
Aleesha
Early on, I realised that fighting with my son because some expert said that he *should* be doing this or that at a specific age was ridiculous. I started writing posts about the ways we were following what felt right on Instagram, even when it went against these “rules,” and it became a journal of sorts that helped me tune into my inner expert. I found that a lot of other moms expressed relief in the comments that they weren’t alone, and I think we encouraged each other in challenging those widely-held narratives.
Allegra
I’ve always been quite good at disregarding rules and conventions (I’m not sure my teachers at school would have described that as a skill, but there we go!), so when I came up against advice or messages that didn’t feel right to me, I was pretty comfortable ignoring it. I did worry about things like sleep and feeding schedules for a while, but I quickly realised that there was no point trying to enforce a schedule on a baby. I just allowed my daughter to follow her own rhythms, and I’m so glad that I did because now loads of research is coming out to show that these artificial schedules aren’t helpful after all! I quickly gave up trying to measure my daughter’s development against any of those ridiculous milestones the books set out, because it didn’t make any sense to me that all children would do the same things at the same times - that’s not how human beings work! I know it was easier for me, though, because my daughter did most things incredibly early. For my friends whose babies were “slower” than the books said they should be, I know that was more stressful, but, sure enough, they did everything they needed to in their own time. The more that my children grow, the more I’m getting used to trusting what my intuition tells me they need - and now that they can articulate their needs better themselves, I want to help them lean into their own intuition and gut instinct too.
4) If you could go back to your new mom self, what would you say to support her? What would you do?
Aleesha
If I could support new-mom Aleesha, I would bring her LOTS of food–frozen meals, baking, gift cards to eat out. I would come over and help her do dishes, take out the garbage, and fold laundry rather than offer to hold the baby so she could do those things. I would ask how she’s adjusting to the new rhythms of life rather than if her baby is sleeping through the night (can we all stop asking this?). I would *tell* her to write a list of support she needs so that I could help meet them, rather than *ask* if there’s anything she needs, because I know how much she doesn’t want to be an imposition. I would build a relationship with her kid(s) so that she doesn’t feel like she’s the only one who loves them and can meet their needs if she’s not around. And I would let her know that it’s not hard because she’s doing it wrong; it’s hard because she was never meant to do all of this alone.
Allegra
I would tell her to stop being so hard on herself. I think the biggest thing that new-mum Allegra needed to hear was that motherhood is actually really difficult and stressful, and that she wasn’t failing because she was finding it a lot. I would tell her to stop worrying about what she thought a “perfect mum” would do and to just do what she could and take it easy. You’ve just had a baby, Allegra, you’ve done such a huge thing, you need to rest and go easy on yourself. And I’d have looked after the baby for a bit for her so she could get some sleep.
Allegra’s Questions
1) How do you find ways and make space to express yourself and your feelings when so much of your role as a mother involves centring your children’s feelings?
Aleesha
This is a tricky balance, but ultimately I want to be honest with my kids about how I’m feeling. So much of my healing has been around the ways in which, as a child, I knew something was wrong with my parents but no one talked about it; Little Aleesha then created the story that it was her fault because she had no other explanation. When I’m feeling something difficult, I first connect to my breath, and then use non-blaming language to state what I’m feeling. A real example happened when Declan woke Sage up after 30 minutes of napping one day. I held my head in my hands and he asked what was wrong. I told him “I’m frustrated that you woke Sage up and I didn’t get to do what I hoped to.” He asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him I wanted to write. He apologized. Of course, there’s also been times where I wasn’t so kind in expressing myself and have had to apologize, but releasing the guilt and shame for being human makes repair so much easier.
Allegra
My creative practice is such a massive outlet for my feelings, and also a way for me to properly understand how I’m feeling and to process my experiences. Writing and painting are really vital tools for me. I also encourage my children to use those tools to express themselves when they don’t have the words or when their feelings seem too big. As a neurodivergent person, I often struggle to really understand my feelings in the moment, or to understand why I feel anxious or overwhelmed. So it’s really important for me to give my children the language and tools to understand, process and express their own emotions. Since I do experience anxiety and overwhelm quite a bit, it’s also helpful for me to be able to speak to them about how I’m feeling and why I need a moment. I’ve made sure from very early on that I will apologise to my children if I get irritable or frustrated, and talk to them about why. I’m now finding that this has helped them learn that behaviour, and after they’ve got angry they’ll come and apologise to me and talk about how they’re feeling.
2) Do you feel that your identity has changed since having children? How do you integrate your “old” self with your “new” self?
Aleesha
Oh, for sure, my identity has changed. Honestly, it’s changed for the better, but there’s still times when I sort of lose sight of myself in the day-to-day realities of parenting. I'm not really sure how I integrated the ‘old’ me with the ‘new’ me–I suspect it wasn't really a conscious choice but a desire to continue following my heart and my passions. Perhaps the guiding light has been learning to relax my expectations of what ‘should’ be, trust that every stage will eventually give way to another, and find ways to move forward where all of our needs are respected, even if that looks different than other families’ choices.
Allegra
Becoming a mother was a major identity shift for me. I had a bit of an identity crisis when my daughter was born. My body was different, my lifestyle was different, my needs and feelings were different, and, on top of all that, I’d had to walk away from the career that I’d defined myself by for years. So I went through quite a journey of getting to know the new me and understanding who I was now. It’s been a process of allowing myself to let go of some elements that felt central to my identity before, but that don’t serve me anymore. Allowing yourself to change can feel scary, but it also opens up a lot of freedom and possibility. At the same time, there’s a temptation to throw everything out from your old self because you’re a brand new person now and you feel like you need to jettison it all. I’ve been coming back to some things now and realising there are ways that I can still be the old me, and that it’s not a case of transforming into someone brand new, but rather evolving and shifting. Allowing space for all the different sides of myself, and being able to look at them clearly with acceptance, has been a challenge, but I feel so much more empowered now that I feel I’ve made progress.
3) I honestly despise the advice to “enjoy every moment” because of course you can’t - it’s not enjoyable when you’re covered in baby vomit and a toddler is screaming in your face, and sometimes when you’re sleep deprived and in survival mode it can feel hard to access a sense of enjoyment. How do you tune in to happiness and joy amongst the day-to-day work and challenges of parenting?
Aleesha
There's a very real part of me that wants to treat every difficult moment with seriousness and make my kids know that this isn't okay!! But, there's another part of me that wants to look at the same situation and just laugh. Like last night, Declan and Jason and I were talking about butts farting next to each other and going into the other, and it was honestly ridiculous. There's a part of me that's like “No, I need to kibosh this because it's inappropriate, blah blah blah.” But I let the other part of me take over and we all laughed at the absurdity of it. Unfortunately, that part of me gets held back by fears of what other people think of me as a parent and believing that I need to make sure my children always behave. We're all much happier the more I release those burdens, allow each imperfect moment to just be as it is, and maybe even find joy and silliness along the way.
Allegra
Spending time in nature helps to feel a sense of wonder for the world around me. I feel so small standing in front of the sea or amidst tall trees, and at the same time I feel deeply connected to the planet around me, and that gives me a deep sense of joy and nourishment. Every evening at dinner, we take it in turns to ask each other what our favourite thing was that day, and then to say one thing that we’re grateful for. That practice of looking for joy and positive moments in the day, and taking time for gratitude, helps us all. I struggle a lot with being present and mindful in the day-to-day - one of the side effects of an ADHD brain. But I find that, the more I can try to open myself up to those moment-by-moment experiences and to take more notice of what’s happening around me, the more I can find moments of joy. And then sometimes, even when things are feeling unbearably stressful or overwhelming, two little arms will wrap themselves around me and a little voice will say “I love you more than anything in the world, Mummy”, and suddenly everything seems so much better.
4) What has been the biggest lesson you’ve taken about yourself and who you are since becoming a parent? How can you take that forward into the future?
Aleesha
There's so many lessons, my goodness, but I'll say the most life-altering one for me as a recovering perfectionist is the realization that life can be both imperfect AND beautiful. That I don't need to have the answers, I can just show up moment to moment and make the next right choice. That making mistakes is a path to learning, not a failure. That I can disappoint others in living my life for myself and my children, and I will still be okay. That I am worthy of love, even when I am caught in the messiness of my own humanity–I don't need to wait until I have it all figured out. I'm finally coming to terms with the reality that I will never reach the pinnacle where everything fits together just right, and yet I can still revel in the wild, imperfect beauty of it all.
Allegra
Becoming a parent cracked me open. I realise now how much I’d put up walls to protect myself, how I’d thrown myself into my career and being a workaholic in order to hide from the things that I really wanted to do but that felt scary and unachievable. I realise how much I’d been trying to fit myself into boxes that society had designed, which didn’t fit me at all. Becoming a parent brought all that crashing down, and forced me to look at what I really wanted my life to be. I had to bring my walls down, I had to let people in, I had to let myself in and be honest about what I really felt I was here to do, and I had to let myself feel and express love. It’s still a work in progress, but going out into the world to write, to create, to help other people to create and use creativity for healing, and opening up my heart to my family, friends and wider community has been a powerful journey so far!
How would you answer the questions above? We’d love to hear your thoughts!
Such brilliant questions, and answers!! I really loved reading this and relate to a lot of what you both say, it’s good to know I am not alone in the magic and the total mayhem of daily life in this mothering chapter xx